Or something like that.

I finally feel well rested. I've been a busy little boy lately, to say the least. I think my trip to Dallas had the combined effect of completely wearing me out and totally energizing me all at the same time. Robbie and I spent the entire long weekend in his apartment. All we did was hang out and spend time together, which was really nice. We talk so much on the phone, it would seem like we wouldn't talk much in person, but that's not the case. And I LIKE that - how easy it is to talk to him, and how much I enjoy listening to him. I got to spend some time with his fabulous sister, Kristen. We went grocery shopping on Friday evening - me going to the grocery store is like a drag queen at a designer discount store. We're both happy as pigs in shit. That kinda made it for me, and I don't know how sad that is. Don't care, either. Spent most of the weekend sitting around, cooking, napping, having dinner with Kristen's girlfriend, Roxanne, and watching a bunch of movies.

I was definitely ready to come back home afterward. This time it was both easier and harder to say good-bye to him. It was harder because after this trip, things seem more concrete - like there's something real happening between us. But this also made it easier, knowing that. I really look forward to seeing where this goes and what's going to happen. And I'm open to finding out what that is without pushing or rushing it. I feel like such an adult - don't worry, I won't let it go to my head. Robbie's the kindest man I've ever met and still makes me feel like I'm on a pedestal. It's a great feeling.

I went to the gay film festival, Reeling, on Thursday night. I saw "Patrik 1.5" and a collection of short films. "Patrik 1.5" is a Swedish film about a couple who adopts what they think is a 1.5-year-old kid and it turns out he's 15 instead. It was a fabulously sweet movie. While waiting in line to see the short films, I struck up a conversation with some lesbians and wound up sitting with them for the film. Naturally. There were some pretty interesting shorts, some of which I didn't quite "get" but modern dance has taught me you can still enjoy art even if it doesn't make any sense. Seeing the Swedish film was an interesting eye-opener. I was by far among the younger attendees of that film. The majority of the audience was men, and most of them were over 40. A lot of them were in their 50s and 60s at least. It was nice to see that gay men really do exist in their later years. And that they found things to do besides sit in bars all weekend long. Not to sound anti-booze and all that, it's just nice to know that there are other things to do in the gay community besides bar-related activities.

Yesterday, I went to Jhonmar's gallery opening. As usual, there was some pretty cool stuff there. I had him explain the exhibit to me because art really isn't my strong suit. He gets that and managed to make it quite comprehensible, which was nice. He hadn't slept much this week (nor had I) so he was uber-punchy and we wound up trying on these ridiculous hats that a friend of his was selling at the gallery and running over to the bathroom to check ourselves out in the mirror. He's hilarious when he's giggly. Then I drove WAY out to Elmwood Park for Kerrie's surprise party for David. It was a lot of fun. Met a few new people, hung out with some I already knew, and had ice cream cake for the first time in I don't know how long. David's an East Coaster, too, so Kerrie had managed to get a Carvel ice cream cake, with chocolate crunchy center and everything. I know. "Chocolate crunchy center" sounds like something you'd find in a litterbox. Or like someone who needs to be more thorough in the shower.

Today, as a favor to my yoga teacher, I'll be helping to promote a small, local gym. In return, I'll get a free membership there. It's not exactly in a neighborhood that's convenient to me, but I don't mind. I kinda like the thought of helping out the little guy. Plus, I'll be able to take Marron's class for free (or any others I so choose) - I don't know if it's all the years of dance class, but I really do like taking group classes. Not so I can try and one-up people around me, but it's always interesting to see how different bodies do the same thing in different ways. You'd think that this long after drinking my morning coffee I'd make more sense, huh? Anyway, I also have a bunch of cleaning up to do and then off to the Lakeside Pride Band concert tonight.

It's been a long, interesting week. I'm really over my job. I've actually taken to changing where I walk to avoid certain people just because I don't even want to walk past them. Also, I've hardly spoken to Robbie this week - he was really sick and work was kicking his butt, too. I had him pretty much all to myself for several days in a row, so that's ok. It gives us a chance to miss each other. I know, I know - feel free to barf.

I can't believe all the things I'm doing the next few weeks. Everybody wants a piece of me. It's fabulous. Actually, it always seems to be feast or famine. I either have nothing to do, or just have days or weeks in a row where all my time is parceled out in little bits for all my friends and activities. Not to sound like a hallmark card or anything, but it's nice to know I'm loved. Just in time for the holidays and all that, right?

OK, time to stop dicking around and get something productive done. I promise to be more entertaining in the future.

Hmmmnnn....  I don't really know where to start.  I've not been as diligent as usual about posting, which may be a relief to some of you, but I know at least three of you are (somewhat) entertained by this.

Regardless of what I have to say or how much I have to say (which can be a bit overwhelming, I know - Shut up, Steven), I haven't felt too much like writing.  What I WILL say is that on the whole, it's been a pretty good year.  And it's been a pretty good last few weeks since San Francisco.  So, in the grand tradition of powerpoint and this retarded journal, I shall bullet-point it out...

1. With any luck I'll have a new job soon and I can bid the freakshow goodbye. 
2. Robbie is fabulous - need I say more?  Still no anxiety, which is the most pleasant surprise of all.
3. The discovery of soy dairy products (and a few other changes in my eating habits) finally halted my weight loss.  For those of you who asked, no, I didn't have a gastro-intestinal disease (and if I did, I was not going to share it to help promote the weight loss of others).
4. I've been re-discovering my non-Cowboy friends over the past year.  As much as the Cowboys are like a second family, it was important to be reminded of the REST of my Chicago family.
5. Banking on 1., I may be moving to a new apartment.  I'm tired of living in the basement.
6. I'll be driving back to MD for Turkey Day.  Yup, you read that right...

OK, gotta run.  I think I had cheese last night without realizing it and it just caught up with me.  Should I re-name this journal "TMI and Other Adventures with Steven"?

And no, I'm not referring to stained sheets...  :-)

SF was AMAZING.  It's been years since I was able to do anything even remotely romantic with a guy, and since it's my favorite city, that made it even better.  We both admitted to being nervous while my plane approached the gate in SF.  I knew he was waiting for me and I was actually shaking as I walked up the ramp.  But when I saw him it all evaporated.  He smiled and I went up to him and kissed him and the entire airport disappeared.  And things just got better from there.

Highlights of San Fran:

1. The Cowboys gave two amazing performances.  I am so proud of them, even though I have NO idea how we pulled this off!  I really truly love Erasure and to be able to choreograph and dance to it was like a dream come true.

2. My friends made Robbie feel very welcome, which was nice.  Also, we spent half the day with Rod (an old college buddy) and Christina (an old co-worker) on Sunday.  We just had a late breakfast and it turned into several hours in a coffee shop.  I love days like that.

3. The first night there, Robbie and I went down to Ghirardelli Square and had sundaes for dinner.  Is there anything more fabulous than that?  The whole weekend, we didn't have any computer access, didn't watch tv, and never had any desire to.  We just enjoyed each others' company and even spent some time with my friends as a group.  We talked a lot, wandered around the city some, and had a whole bunch of great meals.  He loves tacky diners as much as I do and I was able to introduce him to fries and gravy.

There are all kinds of other details that I don't feel like sharing, although I will say that Robbie has a penchant for taking pics of me while I'm asleep.  Very cute and only an eensy bit odd.  I can NOT wait to see him again.  I miss him a whole bunch, but just like before the trip, he makes the waiting easier.  I am STILL anxiety free.  This is a good thing.  Nah, a fabulous thing.

In other news, I was on the flight home with two other Cowboys, and when we got to Chicago, I asked Kyle how he was getting home, thinking we'd ride the L together.  He said a friend of his was picking him up and that "I'd offer you a ride, but it's not my car."  If you think that's a prime example of assholiness, I feel I have to add that he lives THREE BLOCKS FROM ME.  Nice.  That's ok, karma's a real bitch, so this should be fun to watch.  Also, remember that guy I bumped into at work a few weeks ago?  Guess who had to have a meeting with his department head and the HR guy about it.  I blew my stack and let them all have it, which I don't think they were expecting.  Total waste of time, utter seventh grade behavior, all because one person cannot take responsibility for himself and deal with a situation without crying to the management version of mommy and daddy.  The solution is to move me across the floor to my own office.  Not because I've earned or merited it, but to make the milkman's life easier (yes, this is the guy who leaves for 2 hours every day and comes back with another half-gallon of milk).  Quite frankly, that's the most insulting part of it.  The office has been open a year and a half and it took this for me to get it?  Nice.

Also, I'm getting super-excited about Halloween.  I wish I had a front porch to decorate, but alas, no...  Maybe when I move to a different place in the city.  It's been a fun and productive day.  I had an interview, finally.  We'll see how that goes, but it was a fun little trip downtown.  It's in the Lyric Opera House building, which was all awesome and art deco-ish.  Wish me luck!

I'm going to bed in a moment, but wanted to take a moment to say how much I can't wait until tomorrow.  I've been looking forward to Stompede since, oh, LAST year's Stompede.

The routine's going to be fabulous, and I'm going to San Francisco, my favorite city in the world.  Also, Robbie will be waiting for me at the airport.  I cannot wait to see him - we've been talking on the phone a LOT and I'm really looking forward to reconnecting in person.  That sounded more gross and awkward than I meant it to.  But there's something to be said for, instead of just hearing someone's voice, getting to reach out and touch their hand instead of just looking at a picture.

This is going to be an amazing trip...

Yup, we're talking le Presidente here.  The only people I've ever heard refer to him as that are frustrated Republicans.

Let's get a few things straight here.  Yes, he may be adding to the deficit through certain fiscal policies recently, but this is nothing compared to his predecessor, who eliminated not only a budget surplus, but added several trillion dollars to the deficit before leaving office.  One of the main reasons for this is starting two wars on the other side of the planet.  Bush managed to unconditionally pour hundreds of billions of dollars every year into these wars.  However, scraping together enough money to fund No Child Left Behind seemed an ever-impossible task.  Anybody else notice that the $829-billion health care package is a cost spread out over ten years?  And Congress just passed another bill promising over $600 billion simply to MAINTAIN our troops in these stupid wars.  Gotta love the fact that keeping people alive is a lower priority than killing them.

There's also this huge outcry that Obama is making the country less safe by reducing our presence in these trouble spots to get us out of there.  Apparently, us trying to hand over responsibility to the people who actually live there is going to increase our terror threat more than attacking them did.  The only other people who use "logic" like this are those religious right crazies who, forgetting that divorce is what breaks up a marriage, are convinced that allowing gays to marry will cause the planet to explode.  For a fabulous example of that, I'd like to point out that Jerry Falwell is using the EXACT SAME words against gay marriage that he used against interracial marriage a few decades ago when he declared that it would erode the institution of marriage, be bad for our children, and destroy good American society.

Sorry, I got sidetracked.  IF I ever remember where this was going, I'll finish this post.  Til then, fill in the fed-up homo blanks for yourself.

It's Saturday morning and I'm up early again.  I'm ok with that.  Really.  I mean it.

1. I feel bad - I was supposed to go to Irma's bday dinner last night and decided I would meet them at Charlie's instead.  Well, I fell asleep on the futon for a bit and felt AWFUL when I woke up, so I bagged it.  I think I was just really tired, but I really did feel uber-icky.

2. I recently found out that the couple at work that I used to be friends with are now living together.  There is ONE wall separating them and they're constantly in each other's cube/office.  Well, I realized yesterday they were chatting with each other over facebook.  Two words:  breathing room.

3. Two nights ago I spent over 2 hours on the phone with Robbie.  Last night was just over an hour and a half total.  Does that constitute an improvement?  We were discussing San Francisco, the thought of which is making me do my happy dance, even in my still-waiting-for-the-coffee-to-kick-in Saturday morning daze.  So it's more of a happy shuffle-and-slow-sway.

4. Tomorrow, we have FIVE HOURS OF REHEARSAL.  Yes, you read that right.  At least it's broken up some.  We desperately need it, as we have yet to have a rehearsal with everyone in attendance.  Tomorrow will be no different.  The only time we'll have rehearsal with everyone present will be Saturday morning - approximately 12 hours before we actually perform.  Talk about cutting it close.  I know there's nothing I can do about it and have pretty much convinced myself not to stress about it, but it still makes me question my abilities as a choreographer to put things like this together.  You're only as good as your dancers and if they don't show up, what do you have left?

5. I have a BIG day of chores and stuff planned.  I'd really love to be lazy and make french toast and watch goofy movies all day, but the only person I want to do that with lives in Dallas.  At least my apartment will be clean, and we all know how important that is to an OCD germ freak like myself.

6. Bitter Kevin's relationship imploded earlier this week.  He came back from his grandma's funeral to have Sean essentially dump him without actually doing it.  Not cool.  I've been bugging him to make sure he's getting sleep (jesus christ on roller skates, I've turned into my mom) and he came over to hang out on Thursday.  I dragged him to the deli, where he would only eat my pickle (not a metaphor - sometimes a pickle is just a pickle) and then introduced him to textsfromlastnight.com.  I hope he's ok...

7.  Go to www.textsfromlastnight.com - that is all...

In other news, my face has become an oil refinery.  Help.

Also, it should be noted that there are only five, count them, five days left until San Francisco.  Which reminds me that Robbie actually MET a woman whose name was Five just a few weeks ago.  I have GOT to remember to get details about that from him.  At any rate, this little trip to the holy land by the bay cannot get here soon enough for me.  Wednesday is going to be excruciating...  Anyway, I am still anxiety-free about this.  Looks like it's going to stay that way.  And that, my friends, is what we call progress.  This is a good thing.

One week from now I'll be in San Francisco.  This is gonna be a long weekend, I can tell...

1. I have no idea what's going on with my weight - I stepped on what I think was the first working scale I've been on in a while and it said I'm down to 165, which is different from what I weighed at Abdallah's office right before Dallas.  He saw me last night and asked me if I lost more weight.  I can't tell anymore, since none of my pants fit anyway.  Lots of people have said "Oh, I wish I had your problem."  I talked to Andy about this - he's pretty slender and athletic - and he gets the same response.  What people don't seem to realize is that every time I lose weight I get sick.  I'm not TRYING to do it.  I know lots of people struggle with their weight, and I truly sympathize with them, but it's no different than struggling to maintain a particular weight, we just have different problems.

2. I really, truly despise the suburbs.

3. Halloween is approaching.  I was thinking of going out as Pepe le Pew, but now I'm leaning heavily toward either Marvin the Martian or the evil Tweety Hyde monster.  I will, of course, be attending Ray and David's FABULOUS party, even tho it's in the burbs.  I love them too much to not go.

4. I feel much better about the Erasure piece.  Sunday went great, but last night seemed to have so few problems at all, I was able to just sit down and pick at a couple of little things.

5. Last night at Jury's, I got up to go to the ATM after ordering.  I got back and Jhonmar had apparently JUST found out that I'd had a really good time in Dallas.  Now he wants details (what kind of a girl does he think I am?) and to meet Robbie.  They're all meeting Robbie...  Anyway, toward the end of the night, a fight took place on the other side of the street.  Sarah, our Prima Bartendrix, called the cops.  All the guys were atwitter because one of the guys had ripped his shirt off and were waiting for more.  I said to Irma "I'll give you a dollar if you open the door and say 'Show us your tits!'"  The woman standing next to me watching the fight turned and said "He just showed us his tits."  Then, the big girl went down and one guy had the other pinned on the sidewalk, whereupon I remarked that "All they need now is lube," which everyone giggled at.  Their faces were so close to each other that I kept yelling "He's gonna kiss him!  He's gonna kiss him!"  Then the cops arrived.  I had no idea we were getting dinner and a show, but it was a lot of fun.

6. Today is work from home day.  It's also my monthly chiro visit.  I also just realized that if I don't go move my car, I'm gonna be saddled with a ticket that will piss me off.  Tata...

I AM UP BEFORE 8 AM ON A SATURDAY.  Actually, I was up before 7:30.  I need to get up because I am a big loser the Cowboys are performing for the AIDSwalk/run thing downtown today.  Which is fine, and in one way I'm very excited about, but at the same time, it's approximately 12 degrees out and our costume consists of a paper-thin sleeveless shirt.  I kinda wish we could show up just once as the Windy City Eskimos.

Beth, does this make you feel any better about getting older?  The waking up early on a weekend part, I mean.

So, my pretties, are we all ready and rarin' to go for October?

1. I would love to go to an Oktoberfest party.  I'd have one, but I'm pathetically not German, in spite of my genetics.  I don't really care for processed foods and I don't own ANY CDs produced by an oom-pah band.  Playing the Sound of Music soundtrack repeatedly does not count.  Besides, it took place in Austria.

2. I had a really horrible dream last that was based on Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  The most upsetting part of that sentence was my blatant use of the word "snatch" but at least I did not say "box."  Anyway, I managed to avoid getting snatched (don't - it's too easy) because I could fly/leap around with some weird superhero power I had.  We were trapped at some weird construction site that was also a parking garage.  If I could film my dreams, I could retire NOW.

3. The first thing I do in the morning is change my dry erase board for the damn countdown.  I know - feel free to barf all over yourselves, but I don't care.  All I can think about is my SF trip and seeing Robbie.  Hold on a sec, a 12-year-old girl called.  She wants her sense of reality back.  I hung up on her.  It should be noted that I've not been this anxiety-free about a boy since I was in college.

4. I GET TO SEE MY LESBIANS TONIGHT!  I'm meeting Vanessa and Karen at Vanessa's place at about 9 for a drink and then we're heading to Charlie's.  I can't imagine a better way to spend my Saturday night, quite frankly.  Well, I can, but please refer to #3 and the subsequent barfing.

5. It's amazing how much work I can get done AND how much screwing around I can accomplish at my job.  Yesterday seemed filled with distractions and I utilized them to their fullest.  I also chatted with my boss for a bit yesterday.  Seems he went to a meeting in Boston a few weeks ago and met some chick from North Carolina.  Must be something in the water.

6. We seem to be getting closer to some semblance of universal health care in this country.  This makes me very happy (it's the Aquarian in me) - we're also making up for 8 years of falling behind on climate legislation, which also makes me happy.  What doesn't make me happy?  Jon and Kate always seem to be one of the top stories on the yahoo! main page.  Would it be impolite to force both of them to undergo a lobotomy so their kids can be raised in peace?  What also makes me happy is Chicago NOT getting the Olympics.  If Daly can find all that money and support in a few short months for an event in 2016, he can do the same thing for our public schools NOW.  We have a 50% high school graduation rate.  Seriously people - PRIORITIES.

Whew - glad I got that off my chest.

In other news, I'm sitting here enjoying my morning coffee, trying to plan out my day.  Here's what I have so far:  Coffee, get ready, more coffee, arctic blast charity cowboy dancing, nap, house cleaning, drinking and dancing with my sapphic sweeties.  What's a Dyke Tyke to do, really?

Also, I'm three weeks smoke free.  I don't really give it much thought.  Robbie smokes, but I don't think that's going to affect it very much since he lives in Texas (have I mentioned that that kinda sucks?).  Plus, I've had some kind of allergy/sniffle all week and considering the VAST amounts of stuff I've coughed up, I really don't want to add to it by smoking.

1. Today I worked from home today.  I got actual work done, went to the DMV (which took less than 2 minutes, from the time I walked in to the time I walked out), and bought groceries.

2. Andy and I had a date tonight.  I found out he'd been a total whore pretty active lately.  I told him about Robbie, and when Andy saw his picture, said "What is he doing with you?"  Nice..  The freaky thing was, Robbie could have texted at any time, but waited until about 5 minutes after I started telling Andy about my Dallas trip.

3. Tomorrow when I get up, it'll be another day closer to Stompede and another day closer to seeing Robbie.  Both are making me wriggle with glee...  Rehearsal tomorrow night had BETTER go well or there's gonna be a preponderance of clam-punching. 

4. I've talked on the phone with Robbie every night the last three nights for quite a while.  Funny thing is, I remember him telling me he doesn't much like talking on the phone.  Aside from calling Lynne to pester her, I don't much care for it myself.  Aside from my family, I try to get off of the phone as quickly as possible.  Not so anymore, it would seem, as we've spent nearly an hour on the phone each time.  He had a really horrible day, so I just listened to him.  After he got all that off his chest, we told each other hilariously inappropriate stories about our family members and their sex lives.  Because we can.

5. I am really not in the mood to go to work tomorrow, but why is that new?  I have to say it's been a lot easier ever since I started talking to Lauren and Nicole at work.  If I ever get a hold of a digital camera, I'll have to get them to take a photo of my impression of being "in the stirrups" that made them laugh so hard.  I love being gay, I really and truly do.  Straight men get fired for this kind of thing...

6. I talked to l.o.i.s. on the phone for a bit yesterday after work.  She asked if she could call me later after I got home, which was no big deal.  Well, then I couldn't remember if the time she picked was for her time zone or for mine.  Turns out she forgot, too.  So we're BOTH retarded.  Amazingly enough, I don't think my drawl is too bad after talking to her, but talking to Robbie so much might do me in.  I can't imagine a combination between a Shenandoah Valley drawl and a Texas/Arkansas twang, but I think more people are going to start making fun of it.  Please, like anyone in Chi-CAH-go has any room to talk.  And don't get me started on Wisconsin...

In other news, I can't tell if I have allergies or a cold.  The inside of my nose itches and I'm congested, but I don't have ANY other symptoms.  A little post-nasal drip never hurt anybody, but my pharyngeal mucus membranes are NOT amused.
Also, this Friday will be 3 weeks smoke-free.  We'll see how this goes...

I have discovered lactose-free ice cream sandwiches at Trader Joe's.  I cannot tell the difference between them and the original, except for the fact that I did NOT take any lactaid when the nice woman at the store just ripped open a package to let me try one (she worked there) and I still have not a) barfed or b) succombed to the raging, screaming shits.

I bought two boxes, so maybe I'll gain back some of the weight I lost recently.

I really thought today was going to be a real shitstorm.  I got halfway to work, realized the trains were going to (again) fuck me sideways, so I went all the way back home and drove to work.  I was already extremely unhappy with the quality and quantity of sleep I received last night.  Which were major suck and near-zilcho, respectively.

So I get to work and after a while started an email exchange with Robbie.  This is how I found out he's coming to San Francisco for Stompede.  I actually bounced in my chair, and while I know most of you don't think this is odd as I tend to bounce a lot anyway, I was sitting crosslegged.  Had I not been hemmed in by my desk, I would have catapulted out of it.  Did I ever tell you all about the time I was calmly sitting in my chair here at work and I just feel out of it?  I had to catch myself on my desk and almost hit the floor.

Anyway, this makes me uber-happy (the Robbie part, not falling off of my chair) since SF is my favorite city and he's my favorite cowboy.  I'm gonna be insufferable on this trip, I just know.  But I don't much care, either.  I can NOT wait to see him again.  I know, go ahead and barf.  I don't care.  :-)

In other news, I'm really enjoying my job more the less time I spend around my immediate coworkers.  I've been chatting with some of the girls in the next department over and they're a real hoot.  They especially enjoyed my impression of "being in stirrups" esp since I balanced myself on the wall to do it. 

Also, if anyone needs a freelance editor, I'm more than happy to whore myself out.  Again, film at 11.  In the meantime, please enjoy this little doozy:


Did I mention that I'm super-duper absosmurfly excited about my trip?

Ah....  Saturday...

I stayed up uber-late last night catching up on Grey's Anatomy - I think I went to bed well after 3am.  Anyway, I was already half-awake when I got an uber-cute text from Robbie.  le sigh  (I know, I know - go ahead and barf)  I lounged around for a bit and by the time my coffee was ready and I was reading the news online, I got a ringydingy from my Dallas cowboy.

Today, I recycled a bunch of shit (not literally, as I have no compost heap, nor am I a septic tank) and did laundry and MY BATHROOM IS CLEAN!  I was actually chatting with my sister-in-law last night and when I told her I was going to spend most of the weekend cleaning, all she said was "You are a child of Lois.  I'm just sayin."  Damn Mom and her anti-germ OCD insanity...  Anyway, in the middle of all this, I got a call from Karen to go toss the pigskin in the park.  I shit you not.  She's quarterbacking for an all-girls game tomorrow and she wanted to practice.  I have not thrown a football in about 15 years and I loved every second of it.  Then we practiced running passes.  Try to contain yourself, but I actually caught most of them.  I felt SO butch!

Last night was Anya's good-bye party.  Lots of yummy Russian food, plus I was forced invited to do shots of vodka.  I not only pleasantly surprised Anya's parents with the pathetically few Russian words I know (please, thank you, and "I can't speak Russian" - no, really), I pleasantly shocked myself by reading the word "standard" in Russian - apparently, it's pronounced "standard."  I actually hung out with Rita from my first BLAST experience and we had a blast, as it were.  I think we're both in better places now, which helps.  Anyway, downstairs, a bunch of Anya's friends were blues jamming, and I did a couple of fanfreakintastic dances, if I say so myself.  It was fabulous.

I really want to go to a movie tonight, but I don't think that's gonna happen.  Greg, the Pretend Boyfriend, is being a poopypants (apparently, the pretend fight is still on) and I still haven't gotten a clear answer about whether or not he'll go.  mehr...

In other news, both my mood and my gradually-getting-clean apartment are making me feel very much at peace.  I think I'm gonna go with this feeling and see what happens.  Film at 11.

So I tried to plan on having coffee with Greg this morning.  It didn't work out because a) I was exhausted and couldn't get my national shit together, and b) he was working today.  Greg's my PB = pretend boyfriend.  We've been calling each other that for a while and quite frankly, it suits us, especially after the night at Charlie's wherein everyone thought we were on a date.  That would be a big ole negatory.  Because, as we all know, just because two gay guys hang out together, they have to be a couple.  Now we sound like straight people...

Anyway, so he sends me a text message a little while ago telling me I'm a moron because I worked from home on the wrong day.  I called him an idiot back, so apparently, we're having a pretend fight.  Which of course, will lead to pretend not speaking, which I suppose translates to actual speaking.  Is anyone else confused now?  Anyway, it's important to remember the difference between Greg, my pretend boyfriend, and Andy, my fake boyfriend.  Andy's straight, so that's the difference between pretend and fake.  Of course, he's been my fake boyfriend for so long that next year, we're officially changing his name to "Andy No We Are Not a Couple."

Of course, the night we shared a martini at Marty's didn't help matters.  Esp since the bartender just gave us two swizzle sticks and we wound up drinking like Lady and the Tramp eating spaghetti.

Also in Fabulous Friday news, I think my writing mojo is back.  I just read over recent entries and I think the quality of my writing is back to normal.  Not that it means anything in the long run, but I was also writing while I was in Dallas.  And it continued on the train yesterday.  I've also been mulling over a few song ideas in my head, so who knows?  Any more creative juices and I'm going to need a bib at the base of my skull to stop them.  That metaphor seriously needs work.  So much for the quality of my writing, huh?  Anyway, I have no idea how to find rehearsal space, except to call/email schools in the area.  Maybe I'll try that this weekend.

So last night at rehearsal, Ray wanted to know why I was in such a good mood at rehearsal.  So much so that he asked if I'd run over a small child on the way, a la Ouiser Boudreaux.  There's something about being treated with kindness that can really brighten your day.

Anyway, this is Robbie from the recent posts.  He's the reason I've been in an insufferably giggly mood lately.  Can you blame me?

I seriously thought the Blue Line was going to majorly fuck me over today.  I got to Forest Park WAY LATE and miraculously, my bus hadn't left yet.  So maybe the day will go better than I thought!  Especially since it started waking up from a dream wherein I had THREE very large tattoos on my left arm, was driving around a convertible on open country roads and trying to outrun tornado-forming stormclouds.  Then I realized I'd left my brother and his friend behind and had to go get them.  I also remember a lot of driving in reverse.  Which brought to mind several other dreams recently where I was driving in reverse in my Mom's old Suburban at about 80 mph on the interstate.  Thank goodness it wasn't anything weird.

I finally fixed my internet connection last night.  I may have finally stumbled out of that morass of procrastination I'd been mired in.  Of course, being sick for a month didn't help.  I seriously thought it was just some allergy-related fluid in my ears.  Of course, having a mild infection explains my worse than usual general confusion during August and September.

Rehearsal tonight had better have more than 13 people (like the last one).  I'm going to start pulling people out of parts where they missed corrections and changes.  Maybe that'll help matters.  I've already done it a few times and caused "strife."  Go ahead and bitch.  It always gets back to me.  :-)

Last night I had a nap before dinner.  After fixing my internet, I discovered Robbie online and we had a very sweet, incredibly endearing chat.  Later on, my house phone rang, and thinking it was somebody I knew, answered the phone "Woo's House of Chinese!" in the most inappropriate accent I could muster.  This led to a confused conversation with someone who would only identify himself as "the jockey's friend" and when we established we really had no idea who the other was and that he had a wrong number, I thanked him for the amusement and hung up.  I get more wrong numbers (holy shit Beth, remember "Sorry, Wrong Number"?) on my new house phone than I've ever gotten in my entire life and it's only been active since about July.  After my parents had their second line put in, they used to get wrong numbers all the time because it was only on digit difference from Jerry's Subs and Pizza.  My Dad got so fed up one night after 5 calls for Jerry's that he took somebody's order.  My mom's head exploded (of course) and this led to ME answering the phone next doing my best impression of the door-answering droid at Jabba's Palace in Return of the Jedi.  That was the last call we had that evening.  Dad turned to Mom and said "How come that's better than taking someone's order?"  Oy.

In other news, I've been relatively pain-free up til this morning.  I was holding my neck in an awkward position (it's not as dirty as it sounds) while doing the crossword on the train (see?) and am now a little stiff (nope, still not dirty).  I've also been feeling better about things in general, ever since right before we went to Dallas.  Of course, with the way Dallas went, I suppose it's no wonder I'm so freaking perky that even I would slap me.  I suppose I'll spend some time today looking for rehearsal space for my company.  I feel like I have a whole realm of possibilities in front of me all of a sudden.  And I plan on taking advantage of each one of them.  Right after I clean my apartment.

Uhuru famously said that to a Starfleet goober in Star Trek III: The Search for Spock in one of the best scenes ever recorded for the movie franchise.  Of course, as we all know (I'm assuming everyone is as big a geek as I am), what follows is Uhuru illegally beaming Kirk and Co to the Enterprise and says to the goober "I'm not going to anything about it, but you're going to sit in the closet!"  Nichelle Nichols might be the most undervalued actress of all time.

I wrote an entry yesterday about my Dallas trip, but thanks to my inability to use technology in a correct and consistent manner, I deleted the whole goddam thing before I could post it.  There's always some butthead screwing things up and I HATE it when I'm the butthead.

Friday - Woke up late and got out of the shower to HP calling to ask "Should we pick you up on the corner like a common whore or in front of your apartment?"  That was his way of asking for my address.  We picked up Irma and spent several hours giggling in O'Hare before our flight left.  Upon our arrival in the Land of JR Ewing, we checked in at the hotel and walked over to the gayborhood for lunch and hacking around.  I managed to find yet ANOTHER card for my Dad, which unfortunately was not as funny as the one I sent last week with a cartoon of a lady cop telling a guy "Anything you say can and will be held against you" and he shouts "BOOBS!" - this one involved farting, instead.  Classy is as classy does.  Dinner is a little hazy, thanks to the incredible quantity of uber-strong margarita I ingested (which was brought to us by a waiter who looked EXACTLY like Herman Munster).  After finishing mine, I finished off everyone else's (which happened once at a family dinner when I drank everyone's wine and had to be steered out of the restaurant) and, as per the usual, got louder and more giggly.  Then I got disgusting, which caused my ex (who was sitting next to me) to keep saying "I don't like my seat anymore."  We made it to the Round Up (country bar) and I proceeded to drink enough vodka to supply a group of rebels running rampant through the Caucasus Mountains.  At some point, I drunk-texted my Dad about the amount of tequila I'd ingested...

Saturday - Woke up to two texts:  One from Greg asking if everything really was bigger in Texas and one from Dad with advice from Mom to take 2 aspirin and call in the morning.  Aside from being completely dehydrated, I was fine (I heart my metabolism) and met all the boys for brunch at a diner.  This was the Cowboys' second exposure to Morning Steven (the first being the morning rehearsal before the rodeo last month, when I showed up before the coffee kicked in and was completely incapable of getting through even an eight-count phrase without screwing everything up).  I don't function well in the morning, as some of you may know, and the transition from before-coffee to after-coffee Morning Steven is something to be both witnessed and feared.  We made it to a western wear outlet, where I bought the coolest shirt ever for TEN BUCKS and then had an organizational meeting before dinner.  I wore a new-ish pair of jeans (that actually fit) with my new shirt and caught a lot of flak from the boys - they're not used to seeing me in such relatively tight jeans, esp after I recently lost weight.  Shadi asked me if my ass was hungry because it seemed to have devoured my jeans.  It was NOT that bad.  I finally prophetically told him that with this kind of outfit, maybe someone would notice me for once.  We eventually made it to the Round Up again, and after dancing my little tuchus off, this achingly handsome guy in a cowboy hat came over to introduce himself as Robby.  He seemed disappointed to find out I was from Chicago, but we wound up talking for quite a while.  And, of course, making out outside on the patio.  Being a well-mannered gentleman (which, as we know scores BIG in my book), he actually walked me back to my hotel.

Sunday - Robby woke me up.  Contain yourselves, it was via text message.  Went and marched in the Parade to a fabulous crowd.  Imagine that...  Texans are big fans of cowboys.  And I was SERIOUSLY let down by the Bible Belt.  There were EIGHT protestors.  If this is the best they can do in Texas, you'd think that would send a message to them, wouldn't it?  Robby met me over at the park where the festival was and hung out during the awards ceremony - we won for best walking unit!  Everything really is bigger in Texas, since the trophy they gave us was actually larger than my checked luggage I brought.  We decided to make the best of my last day in Dallas, so I went and cleaned up so I could hang out with Robby without smelling like a zoo exhibit.  He took me out to dinner and we never actually got any sleep that night.  Again, contain yourselves, we didn't get past first base, although there was almost a stealing of second...  :-)

Monday - Against my better judgement, I let Robby take me back. I left him a souvenier (part of my extensive assembly of big gay bling) and walked in to a wave of catcalls to have breakfast with the boys.  The rest of the day is a bit of a somewhat sleep-deprived yet giddy blur.  I got to the airport early and wandered around until meeting up with three of the Cowboys who were going to be there til SIX.  They were trying to fly stand-by with no such luck.  On my flight back, I passed out on the plane and awoke once after achieving cruising altitude and once about 2 minutes before landing.  And that, as they say, is that.

So here I sit with a bunch of happy memories (Robby described it as the best Pride EVER - I'm inclined to agree) - I was glad to meet him and am blown away by the fact that he wants to come visit me.  I don't really remember the last time I met a gay man who wasn't bitter.  I know - we had limited time to get to know each other, but I had an uber-fantastic time.  Neither of us had an agenda, nor was it a typical "vacation hook-up" - but I did have a fabulous nearly-day-long date that I look forward to expanding on...

In other news, we don't have a lot of time til San Francisco.  I'm gonna have to be more of a dance nazi than usual (odd thing for a half-Jew to say, no doubt), but we really have to get our shit together and polish up this piece.  I'm really proud of it and all but I'm also realistic.  Guess I'd better go get my cat o' nine tails from the cleaner, huh?  While I'm at it, I can drop off my pants since I just managed to spill coffee on my formerly almost-white pants.  Also, there's nothing to do at work again.  If any of you have a chance, would you please send me a fork so I can stick it in my eye?  Thanks!  OK, time for me to skedaddle and get myself a little nosh.  And dream a little dream of Dallas...

Last night entailed an excursion to an Olympics fundraiser.  For $20, I got free vodka for 2 hours, listened to pretty good music (the DJ was playing pretty much everything but won me over with Depeche Mode AND the Eurythmics - I also surprised myself by remembering all the lyrics to Pour Some Sugar on Me).  I went with two coworkers who are NOT in my department (pretty much the only reason I went) and had a blast.  One of them brought her brother, who was a hoot and a half and who is also PSYCHED about coming to my next party, which we all decided should have an 80s theme.

I should also say there's something somewhat satisfying about putting yourself out there.  Regardless of whatever answer you do or don't get, it feels better to know that you did it.  Not getting an answer at all is also pretty definitive, wouldn't you say?

Ricarda thinks that all my sleeping lately is just because I need it.  She said depression COULD be part of it, but I was probably just trying to "catch up" on lost sleep.  I swear, it's all I want to do anymore.  Naps on the train, crashing on the sofa after work, none of that is affecting my ability to go to sleep at night - sometimes I lay there a little longer than normal, but I always pass right out and pretty much sleep through the night.  Going to the gym might have something to do with it, since I just started back.  It also might be stress - after all that work bullshit and having to take that unplanned trip home AND that crazy guy Michael.

Dallas is coming up - the Cowboys will be marching in their Pride parade!  And then SF in October.  As frustrated as the boys might make me, I'm still very excited about this.  Speaking of frustrating boys, I'm still considering looking into an atheist monastery.

In other news, I have no other news.  My life is boring at the moment and I think I like it this way.  Maybe I should say "quiet" instead, although I may have just cursed myself.  Esp since we have rehearsal tonight.  Oy...

So if any of you are reading this, take a look outside for that giant crack in the earth.  I made it to the gym two days in a row.  I have to say, it feels pretty good.  I got stuck in another one of those cycles where I was too depressed to go to the gym, even though going would totally make me feel better.  Also, my shoulder was a real disaster, even tho the same logic applies - the more exercise it gets, the better it is.  So I feel physically and mentally a little bit better.  Of course, there are new aches and pains, but they're the ones from exercise.

Also of note - I'm in my favorite cafe and just noticed that among the cluster of mo's who walked in, one of them has this teeny tiny little manpurse that is CRACKING my shit up.  Homos always make the day better!

Rehearsal was awful and effective at the same time.  We finished setting the choreography for the whole thing.  Now we just have to put it together.  However, I was ready to kill a couple of the guys as they would NOT let me finish explaining ANYTHING without a million questions.  I actually finally snapped at someone (I don't remember what I said, really) but it didn't make me feel any better.  The other problem was, every time I tried to answer one of these questions, a bunch of people would be talking or screwing around and then miss the answer, which was really sending my blood pressure up.

I've been really scruffy all week.  I sorta shaved around it to give it some shape.  I like it, even though it shows off all the gray in my beard.  I think that may be WHY I like it.  However, even after all these years of trying to do it, I think growing a beard is beyond my capacity.  I always think I can do it and then I always get proved wrong.  I believe that's the definition of insanity - doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.  Same thing with boys, really.  It's like Battlestar Galactica, I have to break the cycle.  Although as Six pointed out in the Finale, the law of averages allows for a different outcome eventually.  I think that the genetics controlling my facial hair are pretty much set at this point.  Aside from stem-cell therapy for gene adjustment, I highly doubt I'm going to have a different outcome. 

The vegan genius and I went to see District 9 last night.  It was fabulous.  I had a really good time - he's an amazing guy, really, and given the opportunity, I'd date him in a heartbeat.  I'm getting mixed signals, tho, and I don't know if I should try and puzzle them out or just let them be.  Would it lead to more mixed signals?  I'm so not in a rush to get caught up in anything right now.  I know this for sure because I don't have this panicked urge to find out what's happening as soon as possible.  And by ASAP I mean now.  I'm pretty content to take my time and if it really is nothing, that's fine.  I keep thinking that dating is supposed to be fun, but so many guys want to make a big deal about EVERYTHING.  I just want to spend time to get to know someone.  None of this instant-boyfriend insanity.  Anyway, I had a lot of fun chatting with him and may have found someone to laze around and be cinematically entertained with. 

Supposedly, there are hints that the job market is unfreezing.  Maybe this'll make my search easier.  I really don't want to stay where I am.  We don't get the slightest bit of respect at work (see:  threatening to outsource our jobs) nor do we have any sense of job security (please refer to previous parenthetical reference) - Work is supposed to be WORK because of the actual job you do, not because management is pressuring you.  I know - we're in a recession.  I should be lucky to have a job.  But that does not give them license to shit all over us.

Wow, these posts are becoming real downers, huh?  So much for the zoloft working.  Speaking of drugs, it turns out I have a fungus on my foot - that's why I've been scratching the goddam sole off my left foot.  I thought Abdallah was kidding at first and I said "Are you telling me it's just athlete's foot?"  And he said "Yes, there's a fungus among us.  And since you're walking around here barefoot, we're ALL going to get it!"  So I pushed my foot toward his nether regions and said "How about a case of athlete's crotch?"  Of course, we were the only ones who thought this was funny.

I gotta get my tuchus in gear.  Oh!  Speaking of tuchus, I used the word "mespuchuh" in rehearsal yesterday.  Someone said "How many of us are doing this?"  And I said "Everyone.  The whole mespuchah."  I then had to explain that "mespuchuh" is Yiddish for all y'all.  Anyway, I'm going to the gym (jump back, jack) and then Greg, my fake boyfriend, and I are going to a barbecue.  Yay barbecues!  

I have a lot of things to say and managed to forget all of them as soon as I logged on here.

My shoulder is killing me.  Off and on it's been pretty debilitating.  Guess it's time to start exercising regularly again, huh?  I'm going to the gym today after I get off of here (no, really, I am).  I thought rehearsal on Thursday was going to kill my shoulder, but it turns out that lifting people was just the thing to help my shoulder.  WTF?  Doesn't make sense, but oh well.

Work is a clusterfugazi.  The other editors are right there with me.  We're alternately bored out of our skulls and freaked out that we're all going to get canned soon because we have no work to do.  This is not good.  I talked to my mom about it on Thursday and felt better.  Oh well, at least if I get fired I can go on unemployment while I look for a new job.  I certainly wouldn't mind one - this commute is wearing me down.  Plus, it's been made very clear recently exactly what upper management thinks of us.  Even after spending a year training most of us (I finished training in about 8 months, thank you very much), they are entirely too willing to send articles to India to be edited.  Nice.  Pigfuckers.

Oh my god - I had no idea boys were really this retarded.  Do they all really think it's ok to treat people this way?  We're not all supposed to want the same things out of life, but just be honest about it.  It's not that hard.  I'm also trying desperately to stay away from control freaks.  I failed miserably at that in my last two relationships but I think I know what to look out for now.  Watching guys do everything but stamp their feet when they don't get their way is enough to make me enter a monastery.  Which would never work anyway, since I'm an atheist.  Also, I'm all for being in touch with your feelings, but if the only feeling you have inside is anger, I need to steer clear.  Ya think?

I've been staying home a lot.  Alternately I'm ok with that or think I should be "doing" something.  Don't know what that's from.  Last night I was supposed to go out salsa dancing, but my dance buddy wasn't feeling well.  So I took a 3-hour nap instead.  Napping is my new favorite hobby.  Seems all I ever want to do in my spare time is sleep.  I thought I was sick at first (mono?) and then was thinking I might be depressed.  Possible, but I think I might just be enjoying the chance to sleep.  At all...  :-)   So I woke up and started watching the Lord of the Rings.  Again.

I plan on starting my dance company this fall.  I won't really be able to get things moving (ha ha) til probably October.  Don't know if I want to start before or after Stompede.  I need to finagle some free rehearsal space and then I'll be good to go.

The weather is already turning colder.  Not like we had a warm summer or anything, but it's a tad depressing that winter is about to start.  The Farmer's Almanac says it's gonna be awful, but meteorologists think El Nino will make it milder.  I saw we split the difference and hope for less than 6 feet of snow.

It's Labor Day Weekend!  I can't believe I woke up at 6:30 am.  After this, I wanna head to the gym then maybe go for a walk/ride on the lakeshore.  Pizza at Hot Pussy's tonight, then maybe Charlie's?  Sunday is rehearsal, after which I'm hanging out with the vegan genius from many weeks ago.  Don't know if that means anything or not, but it'll be nice to just sit around and do nothing with company.  At least that's the plan so far.

I've slowly been making changes to eliminate the things that don't work for me and better accomodate the ones that do.  This includes people.  I think I'm also going to have to start leaning on my mom to get my parents to move to a smaller house.  My siblings and I are gonna have to do this together, but subtly, or it's gonna come crashing down around our ears.

Oh well, I better get my asterisk moving.  Have a happy!