So I think (hope) I'm getting better about this Robbie thing.  And I don't know what this means, really, but I'm gonna put it out there.

I actually made it most of Thursday before thinking this:  Based on my new salary, I could actually afford to go to Dallas every other weekend.

Is it bad that that even occurred to me?  I don't know if that means anything.  I still think about Robbie a lot.  I know that like with all things, it will get better with time.  Sometimes I believe that and sometimes I don't.  We'll see.

I know that all three of you who read this regularly must get really sick of hearing about how I still can't get over someone I barely knew.  Someone that I cried about again last Thursday when I got drunk celebrating my new job.  But at least I only cried a little.  Thank you for being patient.

1. I HAVE A NEW JOB!  I can't fucking believe this.  It only took me 25 minutes to drive there.  And the pay is 45% higher.  I am now the new Senior Editor of Books at the American Academy of Orthopaedic Surgeons.  I am super-duper excited about this.  I'm even MORE excited that my last day at my current fucking job is February 17th.  This is seriously going to change my quality of life!  For the commute alone, really.  I could already feel by Thursday afternoon (when I found out) that I was in less pain from this shoulder crap.  Guess some of it really was stress.

2. Today I'm going apartment hunting!  I want to get a place that allows dogs.  So I can get a dog.  Duh.  And so I can get out of this fekakte basement before it floods again.

3. I have decided that my luxury item from my new salary will be nice space rental for my new dance company, which I'd planned on starting this year.  I'll also be planning a few weekend trips to see some friends I have not seen in years.

4. I am also super-excited about my party coming up on February 20th.  It's gonna be fucking amazing.

5. I went out to celebrate on Thursday night.  The good thing is that I never get hungover.  The bad thing is that I passed out around 7 pm last night and got up at 5:30 this morning (I thought it was midnight), which of course means I'm getting old.  Er.  Anyway, there's going to be more celebrating going on this weekend.  Wheeeee!
5a. I need something to do until my 10:15 chiro appt..  I know it's only 2 hours from now, but still...

6. Cowboys start rehearsal this weekend!  I'm really looking forward to this!  Also, I'm loving my dinosaur piece that I'm working on.  It's a BLAST, pun intended.

I don't know what to do with myself, really.  I'm so happy about this job thing.  I'm a little in shock and also amazed that for the first time ever, I don't have to worry about money.  I can finish paying off my debts (in a much more reasonable timeframe) and start putting money away for a down payment on a condo.  That would be nice.  It's going to be a busy few weeks, I can tell.  But it's going to be good!

1. I got my new lease in the mail.  I'm not too keen on signing it.  I'd rather get another apartment, but February is looking busy.  Hopefully I can switch to month-to-month type of rent.

2. The second interview was amazing.  They want to contact my references and run a background check now.  Not to be overly dramatic or cliched or anything, but this could seriously change my life here.  If everything works out, my daily commute could be approximately 1 hour, give or take.  Plus, a boost in pay.  The best part about all of this is that I could get a dog.  I think that would seriously reduce my lonely factor.

3. I gotta start getting everything ready for my party.  Super duper house cleaning this weekend (moreso than normal, even).  I will be having "The Yenta Party: Your Cure for VD" on February 20th.  It's gonna be awesome.  Again.

4. Last Tuesday was my first rehearsal for my dinosaur piece.  I got kicked in the face while trying to teach someone how to do a handstand.  RIGHT IN THE NOSE.  There was a snapping noise and everything, but nothing broke, there was no blood, and I didn't have a concussion.  However, when I got home that night and blew my nose, I filled the kleenex with blood and some really gross stuff came out, too.

5. I've been trying to sleep more again.  That little experiment worked great this past fall and I'm trying to repeat it.  My insomnia's a little better.  Ever since Mom had her surgery and it went well, it's been a little easier.  Baby steps, I suppose.

Oy - I'm gonna be 36 in 11 days.  I really don't feel any different than I did when I was 21, I just can't stay up as late anymore.

In other news, I'm a little embarassed that this Robbie thing has bothered me for as long as it has.  I don't think it's completely taken over my life anymore, but I do think about him a lot.  I wish there was some kind of simple fix for this other than just time - I know, it heals all wounds.  But sometimes, you just want them to finish scabbing over and fall off so you can forget about them.

I have a new friend I've been hanging out with - Albert.  We met chatting online and decided to just hang out as friends and I'm really glad we did.  I told him the other day that hanging out with him reminded me of college.  I can't put my finger on it, but it does.  Anyway, the little bastard made me watch 28 Days Later.  I'm not a fan of zombie movies, but this didn't really feel like one.

1. Christ on a motherfucking shitstick.  I had a dream about Robbie last night.  In the dream I had a job offer in Austin and was trying to decide if I should ask him to move there.  Seriously?  Funny thing is, I'm not upset now that I'm up.  But I do feel a little distracted.

2. Second interview Thursday.  I rocked these peoples' socks last week.  Let's hope I do it again.  I'm trying to think of things I could bring to the table.  I have a few ideas, all based on things I learned at my current job...
2a. My biggest (and only) fantasy of late involves walking into my dept head's office and announcing my last day at work.  It's been this way for months now.  Oy the vey, yo.  The thought that this is a real possibility is AMAZING.

3. I've gone on two dates with this guy Chris.  He's really nice and sweet and very cute.  I have a lot of fun with him, too.  In light of #1, I don't know if I'm ready to be dating anybody right now.  I would really hate myself if I used him to get over Robbie, subconsciously or not.

4. I stayed in most of the weekend - well, I went to a movie with Chris Friday night.  We saw Sherlock Homo, which I really liked.  Anyway, Saturday afternoon, I hung out with Albert.  Then we had a BLAST meeting and I got dinner with Jeanette and Andy and Ellen (his girlfriend).  I didn't feel right after dinner and went home, ostensibly to take a nap, and wound up sleeping from 10 pm to 9 am.  Bethe, as an insomniac, you know how fabulous this can be.  AND I NEVER WOKE UP ONCE!  Sunday involved and assload of laundry and cleaning the loo and my room.  I feel so productive.  And clean.

5. The BLAST meeting was awesome.  I'm really looking forward to hanging out with my cast and getting some good, fun work done.  I counted and I think I have SIXTEEN people in my cast.  Holy shit.  What was I thinking?  I have a bunch of fabulous lifts in mind and can't wait to work them out.
In other news, we all know how I tend to be a little slow when it comes to pop culture, esp gay pop culture.  Well, I've only recently discovered the magic of Lady Gaga.  Girl can write some awesome tunes!

Also, if I don't get my ass in the shower toot sweet, I'm gonna be late for work.  Hooray for Charlie's tonight!

I hate it when that happens.

1. I'm in less pain.  I cannot tell you how much easier that makes life.  Physically, the chiro is really doing the trick.  Let's hope I can keep it away this time.  I heal really fast, it's preventing the return of the pain that seems to be the problem.  Mentally, I've been medicating myself by using Battlestar Galactica.  Yes, you read that right.

2. I found out two weeks ago that a senior admin assistant at work starts at ~2K less than what I started at.  It was all I could do not to mow everybody down with an AK-47.  Seriously?  Medical editors are NOT a dime a dozen.  It actually takes some decent education and training to become halfway good at this job.  Not that I'm denigrating someone who's main purpose is to keep track of their boss' calendar, but I think I should  be compensated a little bit better.  I've had a sneaking suspicion the past year that I'm not paid what I'm worth.  Here's the proof.

3. I'm having a par-tay!  It's to celebrate my bday and how much we all hate Valentine's Day.  In fact, I'm calling it the Yenta Party:  Your cure for VD.  People are encouraged to bring their single friends, but if they do, they should try to bring one straight and one gay.  Don't wanna discriminate.  There is also an 80s dress code.  Boo-yah!

4. Tonight I'm going to Gay Speed Dating.  Film at 11.

4a. Lynne warned me to be careful so I don't start laughing hysterically in the middle of it.  This is a real danger.  She recommended I have a drink beforehand, but as we all know, alcohol makes me even more giggly.

5. Mom's surgery went well.  She had her gallbladder removed on Wednesday and they repaired a hernia (Grandpa's HYENA!) and everything went great.  A great deal of my insomnia disappeared after that.  Of course.

6. More auditions for BLAST today - the theme is BLAST from the Past!  Andy and I are doing a dinosaur foxtrot to Coldplay's Viva la Vida.  Gay.  I'm thinking of changing the song, tho.  I'm not feeling overly inspired by it, as much as I love it.  Speaking of music, I saw that stop-action video by Oren Lavie for "Her Morning Elegance" - youtube it if you haven't seen it.  Pretty fucking cool.  But I fell in love with the song and the rest of the album.

7. Am I breaking out of this horrible funk?  I sure as shit hope so.  2010 is turning out to be a much better year so far, and we're only half a month into it.  As Irma said: "Girl, you had a rough year."  No shit.

Allrightythen - I better get my tuchus in gear.  A bunch of funny shit happened lately, and I can't remember any of it.  At least that goddam cloud that was following me around has started to dissipate some.  It was really starting to get on my nerves.  I had what I think was probably my last really bad crying jag last Friday.  That's why I don't drink alone at home.

In other news, if someone doesn't do my laundry soon, I'm gonna have to start recycling underwear.  Ew.

<input ... ></input><input ... >1. I wonder how long it'll REALLY take to get over Robbie.  I keep thinking I am, and then I'll start crying for no reason.  This is ridiculous.  The saddest part of the whole thing is that I'm using Battlestar Galactica as a means of escape.

2. I'm going to the chiropractor today to try and formulate a new plan.  I want one that doesn't involve me coming into his office 3x a week because I cannot afford that.  But I can't be in this much pain all the time any longer, either.

3. I really am much happier at work, but the commute is still sucking the life out of me.  My ass fell asleep TWICE on the way home.  The first time, everything between my waist and my greater trochanter on each femur went numb.  That was interesting, let me tell you.

4. I appreciate everyone's concern, but really, if you regularly drink yourself into oblivion or are carrying around extra weight, I do NOT want to hear from you about how bad smoking is.  I know you care, but I'm reaching a breaking point and will not be very nice in referencing your OWN problems.  I understand smoking is an easy thing to control (ie, not do), but quite frankly, so is drinking less and exercising.

5. There was supposed to be a honkin big storm today.  I think there MAY be 4 inches of snow.  Christ on a post.

6. I don't know that this journal has any purpose anymore or is remotely interesting.  I realize it's for ME but I'm starting to wonder if it even has any value at this point.

1. I have just returned from a week with my family. I've managed to retain the majority of my sanity, but lemme tell you what - my sisters suffer from vehicular insanity.  They were fine the rest of the time, but for some reason, they get in the car and turn into very angry people.  I underwent terrible mood swings the entire time, only to discover part of the reason for that was the fact that I had fluid in my ear all week, making me grumpy.

2. Bethe and I had a blast when we went out the other night.  After we had a long, sordid discussion about all the things that were going wrong with each others' lives, we proceeded to get giggly and crazy, which was perfect.  We had AMAZING Jewish deli food.  Mine included bacon.  Seriously.  Then we met her friend Christopher for a beer and spent the better part of an hour decided which was our favorite Text From Last Night.

3. I still have the better part of a week off and suddenly have run out of time.  I don't see how this is possible.  The apartment is a mess, the fridge is empty, and I have some serious shopping-related things to get done.  Also, my pain levels have reached excruciating again.  I don't know if I should formulate a new plan with my chiro guy or try a different route.  But it's adding to my insomnia and everything I do while waking makes it worse.

4. 2010 will be the year of my dance company.  Details to follow.  I've known since my first year in the dance dept at UMD that this is what I wanted to do.  And Lynne pointed out that I'm usually happiest when I'm choreographing.  Which is true.

5. I am remembering to breathe deeply and regularly.  I am going to the gym regularly again.  I'm taking my meds and have regained relative control over my diet.  I'm hoping that this helps reset my inner stability.

I've kinda missed my old self.  The last few months of '09 were not happy ones.  I'm really hoping to change that.  I can feel it shifting, but I know I have to make it happen myself.  I keep getting glimpses of my old self, and not just when I'm drunk.  I've reconnected with some people over the last year and that's made all the difference in the world.  I got some moolah for xmas and have decided to spend it on a trip for myself somewhere in Europe.  I'll see if Greg, my pretend boyfriend, wants to go.  Also, I'll be buying a ticket for my best friend to come visit me.  She needs to get the fuck out of Vegas for a few days.  I'm happier at work now that I'm not really hanging out with anyone in my department, but I still think a new job would help things enormously.  And as much as I truly love the friends I've made at Charlie's over the years, I think I've finally found the balance I need to between spending every waking minute of the weekend there and not showing up for weeks at a time.  :-)  Film at 11.

I haven't posted in a bit, because quite frankly, I just wasn't up to it. Not only has work made me a little bit insane, but things didn't go quite as I'd hoped with Robbie.

We talked on the phone (finally) the Monday after I got back from Dallas. He'd plunged into a fit of depression after I left, and from what I can tell, he doesn't want to go thru that every time we see each other. I don't blame him. We really, really like each other, and it sucks that the only thing keeping us apart is the ~1000 miles between us. But we don't really have any other options. He truly was the kindest man I've ever met. In fact, he was just the kind of guy I always wanted to meet, and even had qualities I didn't realize I wanted in someone. As Bitter Kevin says, at least I know he's out there. Not him specifically, but maybe there is someone out there for me. In the same city.

As we all know, I've done the long-distance thing before. It's hard enough when you only kind of like someone. This time, it would eventually have been excruciating. I just wasn't expecting to like him quite so much quite so fast. At least I've stopped crying uncontrollably, and thank the gods I don't think about him all the time anymore. Although that's been more of a development today than anything. My insomnia's back and I was in a horrible funk from between the time we called things off til about last week. Of all people, Tim has been incredibly supportive throughout all of this. It's oddly easy to talk to him about this.

Anyway, I'm finally feeling better about it. I was just really really disappointed that things didn't work out differently. Also, I heard from the place I interviewed and they're going with someone else. Can't say I'm all that surprised. blech...

In other news, I went to Charlie's last Saturday and ripped an 8-inch hole in the right leg of my jeans. At least I was well-ventilated. AND I finally went to see "2012" - freakin awesome. More uplifting entries to follow, I just have to finish getting the dallas cowboy out of my system...

Or something like that.

I finally feel well rested. I've been a busy little boy lately, to say the least. I think my trip to Dallas had the combined effect of completely wearing me out and totally energizing me all at the same time. Robbie and I spent the entire long weekend in his apartment. All we did was hang out and spend time together, which was really nice. We talk so much on the phone, it would seem like we wouldn't talk much in person, but that's not the case. And I LIKE that - how easy it is to talk to him, and how much I enjoy listening to him. I got to spend some time with his fabulous sister, Kristen. We went grocery shopping on Friday evening - me going to the grocery store is like a drag queen at a designer discount store. We're both happy as pigs in shit. That kinda made it for me, and I don't know how sad that is. Don't care, either. Spent most of the weekend sitting around, cooking, napping, having dinner with Kristen's girlfriend, Roxanne, and watching a bunch of movies.

I was definitely ready to come back home afterward. This time it was both easier and harder to say good-bye to him. It was harder because after this trip, things seem more concrete - like there's something real happening between us. But this also made it easier, knowing that. I really look forward to seeing where this goes and what's going to happen. And I'm open to finding out what that is without pushing or rushing it. I feel like such an adult - don't worry, I won't let it go to my head. Robbie's the kindest man I've ever met and still makes me feel like I'm on a pedestal. It's a great feeling.

I went to the gay film festival, Reeling, on Thursday night. I saw "Patrik 1.5" and a collection of short films. "Patrik 1.5" is a Swedish film about a couple who adopts what they think is a 1.5-year-old kid and it turns out he's 15 instead. It was a fabulously sweet movie. While waiting in line to see the short films, I struck up a conversation with some lesbians and wound up sitting with them for the film. Naturally. There were some pretty interesting shorts, some of which I didn't quite "get" but modern dance has taught me you can still enjoy art even if it doesn't make any sense. Seeing the Swedish film was an interesting eye-opener. I was by far among the younger attendees of that film. The majority of the audience was men, and most of them were over 40. A lot of them were in their 50s and 60s at least. It was nice to see that gay men really do exist in their later years. And that they found things to do besides sit in bars all weekend long. Not to sound anti-booze and all that, it's just nice to know that there are other things to do in the gay community besides bar-related activities.

Yesterday, I went to Jhonmar's gallery opening. As usual, there was some pretty cool stuff there. I had him explain the exhibit to me because art really isn't my strong suit. He gets that and managed to make it quite comprehensible, which was nice. He hadn't slept much this week (nor had I) so he was uber-punchy and we wound up trying on these ridiculous hats that a friend of his was selling at the gallery and running over to the bathroom to check ourselves out in the mirror. He's hilarious when he's giggly. Then I drove WAY out to Elmwood Park for Kerrie's surprise party for David. It was a lot of fun. Met a few new people, hung out with some I already knew, and had ice cream cake for the first time in I don't know how long. David's an East Coaster, too, so Kerrie had managed to get a Carvel ice cream cake, with chocolate crunchy center and everything. I know. "Chocolate crunchy center" sounds like something you'd find in a litterbox. Or like someone who needs to be more thorough in the shower.

Today, as a favor to my yoga teacher, I'll be helping to promote a small, local gym. In return, I'll get a free membership there. It's not exactly in a neighborhood that's convenient to me, but I don't mind. I kinda like the thought of helping out the little guy. Plus, I'll be able to take Marron's class for free (or any others I so choose) - I don't know if it's all the years of dance class, but I really do like taking group classes. Not so I can try and one-up people around me, but it's always interesting to see how different bodies do the same thing in different ways. You'd think that this long after drinking my morning coffee I'd make more sense, huh? Anyway, I also have a bunch of cleaning up to do and then off to the Lakeside Pride Band concert tonight.

It's been a long, interesting week. I'm really over my job. I've actually taken to changing where I walk to avoid certain people just because I don't even want to walk past them. Also, I've hardly spoken to Robbie this week - he was really sick and work was kicking his butt, too. I had him pretty much all to myself for several days in a row, so that's ok. It gives us a chance to miss each other. I know, I know - feel free to barf.

I can't believe all the things I'm doing the next few weeks. Everybody wants a piece of me. It's fabulous. Actually, it always seems to be feast or famine. I either have nothing to do, or just have days or weeks in a row where all my time is parceled out in little bits for all my friends and activities. Not to sound like a hallmark card or anything, but it's nice to know I'm loved. Just in time for the holidays and all that, right?

OK, time to stop dicking around and get something productive done. I promise to be more entertaining in the future.

Hmmmnnn....  I don't really know where to start.  I've not been as diligent as usual about posting, which may be a relief to some of you, but I know at least three of you are (somewhat) entertained by this.

Regardless of what I have to say or how much I have to say (which can be a bit overwhelming, I know - Shut up, Steven), I haven't felt too much like writing.  What I WILL say is that on the whole, it's been a pretty good year.  And it's been a pretty good last few weeks since San Francisco.  So, in the grand tradition of powerpoint and this retarded journal, I shall bullet-point it out...

1. With any luck I'll have a new job soon and I can bid the freakshow goodbye. 
2. Robbie is fabulous - need I say more?  Still no anxiety, which is the most pleasant surprise of all.
3. The discovery of soy dairy products (and a few other changes in my eating habits) finally halted my weight loss.  For those of you who asked, no, I didn't have a gastro-intestinal disease (and if I did, I was not going to share it to help promote the weight loss of others).
4. I've been re-discovering my non-Cowboy friends over the past year.  As much as the Cowboys are like a second family, it was important to be reminded of the REST of my Chicago family.
5. Banking on 1., I may be moving to a new apartment.  I'm tired of living in the basement.
6. I'll be driving back to MD for Turkey Day.  Yup, you read that right...

OK, gotta run.  I think I had cheese last night without realizing it and it just caught up with me.  Should I re-name this journal "TMI and Other Adventures with Steven"?

And no, I'm not referring to stained sheets...  :-)

SF was AMAZING.  It's been years since I was able to do anything even remotely romantic with a guy, and since it's my favorite city, that made it even better.  We both admitted to being nervous while my plane approached the gate in SF.  I knew he was waiting for me and I was actually shaking as I walked up the ramp.  But when I saw him it all evaporated.  He smiled and I went up to him and kissed him and the entire airport disappeared.  And things just got better from there.

Highlights of San Fran:

1. The Cowboys gave two amazing performances.  I am so proud of them, even though I have NO idea how we pulled this off!  I really truly love Erasure and to be able to choreograph and dance to it was like a dream come true.

2. My friends made Robbie feel very welcome, which was nice.  Also, we spent half the day with Rod (an old college buddy) and Christina (an old co-worker) on Sunday.  We just had a late breakfast and it turned into several hours in a coffee shop.  I love days like that.

3. The first night there, Robbie and I went down to Ghirardelli Square and had sundaes for dinner.  Is there anything more fabulous than that?  The whole weekend, we didn't have any computer access, didn't watch tv, and never had any desire to.  We just enjoyed each others' company and even spent some time with my friends as a group.  We talked a lot, wandered around the city some, and had a whole bunch of great meals.  He loves tacky diners as much as I do and I was able to introduce him to fries and gravy.

There are all kinds of other details that I don't feel like sharing, although I will say that Robbie has a penchant for taking pics of me while I'm asleep.  Very cute and only an eensy bit odd.  I can NOT wait to see him again.  I miss him a whole bunch, but just like before the trip, he makes the waiting easier.  I am STILL anxiety free.  This is a good thing.  Nah, a fabulous thing.

In other news, I was on the flight home with two other Cowboys, and when we got to Chicago, I asked Kyle how he was getting home, thinking we'd ride the L together.  He said a friend of his was picking him up and that "I'd offer you a ride, but it's not my car."  If you think that's a prime example of assholiness, I feel I have to add that he lives THREE BLOCKS FROM ME.  Nice.  That's ok, karma's a real bitch, so this should be fun to watch.  Also, remember that guy I bumped into at work a few weeks ago?  Guess who had to have a meeting with his department head and the HR guy about it.  I blew my stack and let them all have it, which I don't think they were expecting.  Total waste of time, utter seventh grade behavior, all because one person cannot take responsibility for himself and deal with a situation without crying to the management version of mommy and daddy.  The solution is to move me across the floor to my own office.  Not because I've earned or merited it, but to make the milkman's life easier (yes, this is the guy who leaves for 2 hours every day and comes back with another half-gallon of milk).  Quite frankly, that's the most insulting part of it.  The office has been open a year and a half and it took this for me to get it?  Nice.

Also, I'm getting super-excited about Halloween.  I wish I had a front porch to decorate, but alas, no...  Maybe when I move to a different place in the city.  It's been a fun and productive day.  I had an interview, finally.  We'll see how that goes, but it was a fun little trip downtown.  It's in the Lyric Opera House building, which was all awesome and art deco-ish.  Wish me luck!

I'm going to bed in a moment, but wanted to take a moment to say how much I can't wait until tomorrow.  I've been looking forward to Stompede since, oh, LAST year's Stompede.

The routine's going to be fabulous, and I'm going to San Francisco, my favorite city in the world.  Also, Robbie will be waiting for me at the airport.  I cannot wait to see him - we've been talking on the phone a LOT and I'm really looking forward to reconnecting in person.  That sounded more gross and awkward than I meant it to.  But there's something to be said for, instead of just hearing someone's voice, getting to reach out and touch their hand instead of just looking at a picture.

This is going to be an amazing trip...

Yup, we're talking le Presidente here.  The only people I've ever heard refer to him as that are frustrated Republicans.

Let's get a few things straight here.  Yes, he may be adding to the deficit through certain fiscal policies recently, but this is nothing compared to his predecessor, who eliminated not only a budget surplus, but added several trillion dollars to the deficit before leaving office.  One of the main reasons for this is starting two wars on the other side of the planet.  Bush managed to unconditionally pour hundreds of billions of dollars every year into these wars.  However, scraping together enough money to fund No Child Left Behind seemed an ever-impossible task.  Anybody else notice that the $829-billion health care package is a cost spread out over ten years?  And Congress just passed another bill promising over $600 billion simply to MAINTAIN our troops in these stupid wars.  Gotta love the fact that keeping people alive is a lower priority than killing them.

There's also this huge outcry that Obama is making the country less safe by reducing our presence in these trouble spots to get us out of there.  Apparently, us trying to hand over responsibility to the people who actually live there is going to increase our terror threat more than attacking them did.  The only other people who use "logic" like this are those religious right crazies who, forgetting that divorce is what breaks up a marriage, are convinced that allowing gays to marry will cause the planet to explode.  For a fabulous example of that, I'd like to point out that Jerry Falwell is using the EXACT SAME words against gay marriage that he used against interracial marriage a few decades ago when he declared that it would erode the institution of marriage, be bad for our children, and destroy good American society.

Sorry, I got sidetracked.  IF I ever remember where this was going, I'll finish this post.  Til then, fill in the fed-up homo blanks for yourself.

It's Saturday morning and I'm up early again.  I'm ok with that.  Really.  I mean it.

1. I feel bad - I was supposed to go to Irma's bday dinner last night and decided I would meet them at Charlie's instead.  Well, I fell asleep on the futon for a bit and felt AWFUL when I woke up, so I bagged it.  I think I was just really tired, but I really did feel uber-icky.

2. I recently found out that the couple at work that I used to be friends with are now living together.  There is ONE wall separating them and they're constantly in each other's cube/office.  Well, I realized yesterday they were chatting with each other over facebook.  Two words:  breathing room.

3. Two nights ago I spent over 2 hours on the phone with Robbie.  Last night was just over an hour and a half total.  Does that constitute an improvement?  We were discussing San Francisco, the thought of which is making me do my happy dance, even in my still-waiting-for-the-coffee-to-kick-in Saturday morning daze.  So it's more of a happy shuffle-and-slow-sway.

4. Tomorrow, we have FIVE HOURS OF REHEARSAL.  Yes, you read that right.  At least it's broken up some.  We desperately need it, as we have yet to have a rehearsal with everyone in attendance.  Tomorrow will be no different.  The only time we'll have rehearsal with everyone present will be Saturday morning - approximately 12 hours before we actually perform.  Talk about cutting it close.  I know there's nothing I can do about it and have pretty much convinced myself not to stress about it, but it still makes me question my abilities as a choreographer to put things like this together.  You're only as good as your dancers and if they don't show up, what do you have left?

5. I have a BIG day of chores and stuff planned.  I'd really love to be lazy and make french toast and watch goofy movies all day, but the only person I want to do that with lives in Dallas.  At least my apartment will be clean, and we all know how important that is to an OCD germ freak like myself.

6. Bitter Kevin's relationship imploded earlier this week.  He came back from his grandma's funeral to have Sean essentially dump him without actually doing it.  Not cool.  I've been bugging him to make sure he's getting sleep (jesus christ on roller skates, I've turned into my mom) and he came over to hang out on Thursday.  I dragged him to the deli, where he would only eat my pickle (not a metaphor - sometimes a pickle is just a pickle) and then introduced him to textsfromlastnight.com.  I hope he's ok...

7.  Go to www.textsfromlastnight.com - that is all...

In other news, my face has become an oil refinery.  Help.

Also, it should be noted that there are only five, count them, five days left until San Francisco.  Which reminds me that Robbie actually MET a woman whose name was Five just a few weeks ago.  I have GOT to remember to get details about that from him.  At any rate, this little trip to the holy land by the bay cannot get here soon enough for me.  Wednesday is going to be excruciating...  Anyway, I am still anxiety-free about this.  Looks like it's going to stay that way.  And that, my friends, is what we call progress.  This is a good thing.

One week from now I'll be in San Francisco.  This is gonna be a long weekend, I can tell...

1. I have no idea what's going on with my weight - I stepped on what I think was the first working scale I've been on in a while and it said I'm down to 165, which is different from what I weighed at Abdallah's office right before Dallas.  He saw me last night and asked me if I lost more weight.  I can't tell anymore, since none of my pants fit anyway.  Lots of people have said "Oh, I wish I had your problem."  I talked to Andy about this - he's pretty slender and athletic - and he gets the same response.  What people don't seem to realize is that every time I lose weight I get sick.  I'm not TRYING to do it.  I know lots of people struggle with their weight, and I truly sympathize with them, but it's no different than struggling to maintain a particular weight, we just have different problems.

2. I really, truly despise the suburbs.

3. Halloween is approaching.  I was thinking of going out as Pepe le Pew, but now I'm leaning heavily toward either Marvin the Martian or the evil Tweety Hyde monster.  I will, of course, be attending Ray and David's FABULOUS party, even tho it's in the burbs.  I love them too much to not go.

4. I feel much better about the Erasure piece.  Sunday went great, but last night seemed to have so few problems at all, I was able to just sit down and pick at a couple of little things.

5. Last night at Jury's, I got up to go to the ATM after ordering.  I got back and Jhonmar had apparently JUST found out that I'd had a really good time in Dallas.  Now he wants details (what kind of a girl does he think I am?) and to meet Robbie.  They're all meeting Robbie...  Anyway, toward the end of the night, a fight took place on the other side of the street.  Sarah, our Prima Bartendrix, called the cops.  All the guys were atwitter because one of the guys had ripped his shirt off and were waiting for more.  I said to Irma "I'll give you a dollar if you open the door and say 'Show us your tits!'"  The woman standing next to me watching the fight turned and said "He just showed us his tits."  Then, the big girl went down and one guy had the other pinned on the sidewalk, whereupon I remarked that "All they need now is lube," which everyone giggled at.  Their faces were so close to each other that I kept yelling "He's gonna kiss him!  He's gonna kiss him!"  Then the cops arrived.  I had no idea we were getting dinner and a show, but it was a lot of fun.

6. Today is work from home day.  It's also my monthly chiro visit.  I also just realized that if I don't go move my car, I'm gonna be saddled with a ticket that will piss me off.  Tata...

I AM UP BEFORE 8 AM ON A SATURDAY.  Actually, I was up before 7:30.  I need to get up because I am a big loser the Cowboys are performing for the AIDSwalk/run thing downtown today.  Which is fine, and in one way I'm very excited about, but at the same time, it's approximately 12 degrees out and our costume consists of a paper-thin sleeveless shirt.  I kinda wish we could show up just once as the Windy City Eskimos.

Beth, does this make you feel any better about getting older?  The waking up early on a weekend part, I mean.

So, my pretties, are we all ready and rarin' to go for October?

1. I would love to go to an Oktoberfest party.  I'd have one, but I'm pathetically not German, in spite of my genetics.  I don't really care for processed foods and I don't own ANY CDs produced by an oom-pah band.  Playing the Sound of Music soundtrack repeatedly does not count.  Besides, it took place in Austria.

2. I had a really horrible dream last that was based on Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  The most upsetting part of that sentence was my blatant use of the word "snatch" but at least I did not say "box."  Anyway, I managed to avoid getting snatched (don't - it's too easy) because I could fly/leap around with some weird superhero power I had.  We were trapped at some weird construction site that was also a parking garage.  If I could film my dreams, I could retire NOW.

3. The first thing I do in the morning is change my dry erase board for the damn countdown.  I know - feel free to barf all over yourselves, but I don't care.  All I can think about is my SF trip and seeing Robbie.  Hold on a sec, a 12-year-old girl called.  She wants her sense of reality back.  I hung up on her.  It should be noted that I've not been this anxiety-free about a boy since I was in college.

4. I GET TO SEE MY LESBIANS TONIGHT!  I'm meeting Vanessa and Karen at Vanessa's place at about 9 for a drink and then we're heading to Charlie's.  I can't imagine a better way to spend my Saturday night, quite frankly.  Well, I can, but please refer to #3 and the subsequent barfing.

5. It's amazing how much work I can get done AND how much screwing around I can accomplish at my job.  Yesterday seemed filled with distractions and I utilized them to their fullest.  I also chatted with my boss for a bit yesterday.  Seems he went to a meeting in Boston a few weeks ago and met some chick from North Carolina.  Must be something in the water.

6. We seem to be getting closer to some semblance of universal health care in this country.  This makes me very happy (it's the Aquarian in me) - we're also making up for 8 years of falling behind on climate legislation, which also makes me happy.  What doesn't make me happy?  Jon and Kate always seem to be one of the top stories on the yahoo! main page.  Would it be impolite to force both of them to undergo a lobotomy so their kids can be raised in peace?  What also makes me happy is Chicago NOT getting the Olympics.  If Daly can find all that money and support in a few short months for an event in 2016, he can do the same thing for our public schools NOW.  We have a 50% high school graduation rate.  Seriously people - PRIORITIES.

Whew - glad I got that off my chest.

In other news, I'm sitting here enjoying my morning coffee, trying to plan out my day.  Here's what I have so far:  Coffee, get ready, more coffee, arctic blast charity cowboy dancing, nap, house cleaning, drinking and dancing with my sapphic sweeties.  What's a Dyke Tyke to do, really?

Also, I'm three weeks smoke free.  I don't really give it much thought.  Robbie smokes, but I don't think that's going to affect it very much since he lives in Texas (have I mentioned that that kinda sucks?).  Plus, I've had some kind of allergy/sniffle all week and considering the VAST amounts of stuff I've coughed up, I really don't want to add to it by smoking.

1. Today I worked from home today.  I got actual work done, went to the DMV (which took less than 2 minutes, from the time I walked in to the time I walked out), and bought groceries.

2. Andy and I had a date tonight.  I found out he'd been a total whore pretty active lately.  I told him about Robbie, and when Andy saw his picture, said "What is he doing with you?"  Nice..  The freaky thing was, Robbie could have texted at any time, but waited until about 5 minutes after I started telling Andy about my Dallas trip.

3. Tomorrow when I get up, it'll be another day closer to Stompede and another day closer to seeing Robbie.  Both are making me wriggle with glee...  Rehearsal tomorrow night had BETTER go well or there's gonna be a preponderance of clam-punching. 

4. I've talked on the phone with Robbie every night the last three nights for quite a while.  Funny thing is, I remember him telling me he doesn't much like talking on the phone.  Aside from calling Lynne to pester her, I don't much care for it myself.  Aside from my family, I try to get off of the phone as quickly as possible.  Not so anymore, it would seem, as we've spent nearly an hour on the phone each time.  He had a really horrible day, so I just listened to him.  After he got all that off his chest, we told each other hilariously inappropriate stories about our family members and their sex lives.  Because we can.

5. I am really not in the mood to go to work tomorrow, but why is that new?  I have to say it's been a lot easier ever since I started talking to Lauren and Nicole at work.  If I ever get a hold of a digital camera, I'll have to get them to take a photo of my impression of being "in the stirrups" that made them laugh so hard.  I love being gay, I really and truly do.  Straight men get fired for this kind of thing...

6. I talked to l.o.i.s. on the phone for a bit yesterday after work.  She asked if she could call me later after I got home, which was no big deal.  Well, then I couldn't remember if the time she picked was for her time zone or for mine.  Turns out she forgot, too.  So we're BOTH retarded.  Amazingly enough, I don't think my drawl is too bad after talking to her, but talking to Robbie so much might do me in.  I can't imagine a combination between a Shenandoah Valley drawl and a Texas/Arkansas twang, but I think more people are going to start making fun of it.  Please, like anyone in Chi-CAH-go has any room to talk.  And don't get me started on Wisconsin...

In other news, I can't tell if I have allergies or a cold.  The inside of my nose itches and I'm congested, but I don't have ANY other symptoms.  A little post-nasal drip never hurt anybody, but my pharyngeal mucus membranes are NOT amused.
Also, this Friday will be 3 weeks smoke-free.  We'll see how this goes...

I have discovered lactose-free ice cream sandwiches at Trader Joe's.  I cannot tell the difference between them and the original, except for the fact that I did NOT take any lactaid when the nice woman at the store just ripped open a package to let me try one (she worked there) and I still have not a) barfed or b) succombed to the raging, screaming shits.

I bought two boxes, so maybe I'll gain back some of the weight I lost recently.

I really thought today was going to be a real shitstorm.  I got halfway to work, realized the trains were going to (again) fuck me sideways, so I went all the way back home and drove to work.  I was already extremely unhappy with the quality and quantity of sleep I received last night.  Which were major suck and near-zilcho, respectively.

So I get to work and after a while started an email exchange with Robbie.  This is how I found out he's coming to San Francisco for Stompede.  I actually bounced in my chair, and while I know most of you don't think this is odd as I tend to bounce a lot anyway, I was sitting crosslegged.  Had I not been hemmed in by my desk, I would have catapulted out of it.  Did I ever tell you all about the time I was calmly sitting in my chair here at work and I just feel out of it?  I had to catch myself on my desk and almost hit the floor.

Anyway, this makes me uber-happy (the Robbie part, not falling off of my chair) since SF is my favorite city and he's my favorite cowboy.  I'm gonna be insufferable on this trip, I just know.  But I don't much care, either.  I can NOT wait to see him again.  I know, go ahead and barf.  I don't care.  :-)

In other news, I'm really enjoying my job more the less time I spend around my immediate coworkers.  I've been chatting with some of the girls in the next department over and they're a real hoot.  They especially enjoyed my impression of "being in stirrups" esp since I balanced myself on the wall to do it. 

Also, if anyone needs a freelance editor, I'm more than happy to whore myself out.  Again, film at 11.  In the meantime, please enjoy this little doozy:


Did I mention that I'm super-duper absosmurfly excited about my trip?