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dancingdragon74
06 July 2009 @ 10:51 am
I Had to Open My Big Mouth  
I am FREAKING OUT today and I have no idea why.  I slept so badly last night, I should be exhausted, but I'm actually pretty wide awake, considering.  Anxiety will do that to you.  I woke up with this anxiety and it won't go away.  I don't know where it's coming from (if there's another flood, I'm moving) or if this is something residual, but I hate it.  I can't concentrate, I can't relax, and I almost started crying in the bathroom.  If you know me at all, you know I almost never cry - not even when I was little.  In fact, the only times I remember crying as a kid were when I got really angry or when my most favorite relative in the world, my aunt Vonda, left to go home.

I called Lynne and talked to her for a hot minute.  She thinks it's leftover from my breakup with Tim.  I know - it was months ago.  But she said I was "freakishly calm" about the whole thing and maybe it's caught up with me now.  Apparently, I never really got upset about it.  I suppose she's right - I was upset a lot leading up to it, but not much afterwards.  I was too busy drinking.  Yay hepatic shutdown!

On the bus on the way in, I was thinking about how I'm never on the "reassured" end of most of my relationships - friends included.  It's not a bad thing to comfort people, but every once in a while, I need someone to sit down with me and tell me everything will be ok.  I don't know if whoever is reading this has ANY idea how hard that is for a relatively independent person to admit, but it's killing me.  If I were dating someone, I'd want to be able to tell him how I feel (esp regarding the way I feel at the moment, but about anything) and have him put an arm around me and tell me everything will be ok.  I don't need my problems "fixed" necessarily, but I need my freaking out to be faced with someone who can wait it out.

I'm all for fixing my own problems, but I'm tired of flying solo.  Not for assistance, I just wish someone had my back.  Tim was good at figuring out how to fix problems, but lousy at being supportive.  Brian was about as supportive as a Jell-o ladder and as far as problem-solving went, he was about as useless as tits on a hog.  Most other guys I've dated beyond that were completely unable to deal with their OWN problems and managed to go out of their way to take them out on me.  It's not just people I date... I don't think my friends in general know what to do when I get like this because it's so dramatically different from the way I am most of the time.

I just need someone to listen and resist the urge to "fix."  I don't need fixing.  Comfort, yes, and possibly a shoulder to lean on.  Most of the time, I'm good even without that.  But as much as it kills me to admit it, today, I think I need help.
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Current Location: werk
Current Mood: freaked out
Current Music: tachycardia
 
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dancingdragon74
05 July 2009 @ 10:59 am
What a Beautiful Day for a Bike Ride!  
It's been a few days, hasn't it?  Fear not, my loyal fans!  All 10 of you.  I have returned once again to abuse syntax and context until you tinkle in your fabulous summer trousers!

Apparently, the meds are working again.  My mood is decidedly improved from the last few weeks, although there are OTHER reasons for that, too...

1.  I figured out that most of the reason I was in that horrible mood for a while was that my apartment flooded.  The week leading up to it was esp bad.  I had another one of my funny feelings, which kept getting worse every time it rained.  That didn't make sense to me, because I love the rain.  That Friday it stopped and I thought it was because I was working from home.  Wrong.  The water came pouring in a few hours later.  For the week AFTER that, it didn't help that I was exhausted from the cleanup.  No mold, but the gutter still isn't fixed and my landlord still hasn't been by to inspect the floor.  I sent in this month's rent check minus the amount for the wet vac I had to rent to clean up.  That oughta get things moving.

2.  I have rearranged my apt.  I've made myself a little nook with the tv and futon sofa, but I'm not entirely sold on it.  I may have to flip the room to make it work better, which means moving a lot of heavy shit without help.  If you read this within the next hour, feel free to stop by and help.

3.  What happened to summer?  I know the calendar says July, but I think we all fell asleep until September.  Although when it hasn't rained (which has been most of the time) it's been fucking fabulous out.

4.  Irma and Tasha had a barbecue yesterday at which I got shitfaced.  It was fabulous (almost as fabulous as seeing Janet van Meter getting hit in the head with a softball).  I took my new buddy Stephen.  He screams like a big girl, too, so we have lots of fun whenever we hang out.  Went home, took a nap, then went to Charlie's last night.  I had a pretty good time dancing.  Haven't been going a whole lot lately.  There are just other things I want to do with my time.  Frequently that involves sleep.  More frequently, it also does not involve alcohol.  I love a good martini as much as the next mo, but I can't seem to keep up with my friends.

5.  I think I'm finally recovered from the last few weekends - Andersonville/Milwaukee, then the flood, then Chicago Pride.  Three very busy weekends in a row.  My sleep schedule has not exactly been normal, but when is it ever?  Anyway, I definitely feel better and am thinking that getting back to my exercise program will help.  I thought about it all week and kept coming to the conclusion "what the hell am I thinking?!?" - but I think I'm finally not tired enough to get my shit back together.

6.  I miss my family.  Several guys I've befriended lately have left town for the weekend to spend time with their families (usually within a three-hour driving radius) and I've actually been a bit jealous.  I like my family.  I also miss them.  Chicago is my home now, but that doesn't mean I like being that far away.  I can't see myself moving back to the East Coast but I wish I could afford to fly back more often.

In other news, I have no other news.  I'm hoping to get all the nothing done I'd planned on getting done today, and when I'm done with that, I'd like to get a little more nothing done.  I'm putting the next Stompede routine together and this'll be my last free Sunday until the end times October.  kisses all around...

PS  Somebody please push Sarah Palin in front of a bus.

 
 
Current Location: flourish cafe
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: my guts churning...
 
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dancingdragon74
25 June 2009 @ 11:14 am
(no subject)  

I don't know if it's my meds or what, but I've been awfully mood-swingy lately.

1. I found out that everyone at work is getting a 2% raise this year.  What.  The.  Fuck.  Apparently, they're doing cost-cutting measures across the board.  Keep in mind that the people that decided on this make substantially more than the rest of us.  2% of more than $100,000 per year is a HELL of a lot more than 2% of less than 50K.  I know.  I should be thankful I have a job.  But maybe instead of doing this, we could stop paying for the Board of Directors to fly everywhere first fucking class.  I'm gonna start a protest.  If it can work in Tehran, it can work in Oak Brook.

2. My apartment flooded.  My genius of a landlord decided to install a new gutter that takes ALL of the water from the roof and dumps it less than 3 feet from my back steps.  That's not a metaphor.  I had 2 inches of water everywhere in my apartment.  Amazingly, not very much was damaged and so far, I can't smell mold.  But I'm kinda pissed.

3. One of my best friends here in Chicago, Michael, had a housewarming on Saturday.  He just moved into the greenest house in the country.  I'm very proud of him.
3a. I got shitfaced at the party with Andy.  I also met a cool guy named Tyger.  Andy apparently said to him, "Hey, are you the same gay guy named Tyger who went to Jeanette's wedding last year?"  Because honestly, what are the chances of two gay guys with that name in the same city?
3b. Andy and I met up with some other people (two of whom were in BLAST) and went on a dive bar pub crawl thru Roger's Park.  Although I think technically we were in Edgewater.  Andy and I wound up at El Chorrito (fan-fucking-tastic tacos) while everyone else went to Touche.  I tried to warn them, but like going to the bathroom after Grandpa Fred's been in there for over half an hour, "they never listen"

4. There is something seriously wrong with my guts.  I feel like I've been constipated/bloated for the past few weeks.  I know the last week it's probably been stress, but seriously...  This is getting ridiculous.

5. Summer is here.  Thank fucking god.  You can tell who all the people from the East Coast are - they're the ones not bitching about what everyone else keeps laughably referring to as "the humidity."  I double dog dare you to go to DC in August.

In other news, the Cowboys have had a pretty successful season so far.  We did a fabulous show in Andersonville for Midsommarfest and won first place for best marching unit in Milwaukee's Pride Parade.  Saturday, we perform for Pridefest and Sunday is the Chicago Pride Parade.  Come see us shake it to "These Boots Are Made for Walking"!!!!  Plus, we start working on our new Stompede routine soon.  All Erasure music from their live country album.  It doesn't get any gayer than this...

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Current Location: mi casa
Current Mood: okay
Current Music: l'conditionaire du aire
 
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dancingdragon74
13 June 2009 @ 10:17 am
Up and Down with the Cowboys  
Thursday night after rehearsal, I ordered a veggie burger.  With bacon.  It was fabulous.

OK, now I'M starting to get annoyed with the weather.  Where DID all this rain come from?  We have to perform today at Andersonville Midsommarfest at 3:30.  I'm not going to be amused performing in the rain, because it's COLD rain.  Ick.  Summer hasn't really started here in Chicago yet.  Shocker.  We've had a few false starts where we had nice days or parts of the day were nice for 10 or 15 minutes at a time.  Otherwise, I keep thinking a polar bear is going to float by on a mini-iceberg.  It's also been a little on the cold side all week long and everyone kept saying "Don't worry, it's supposed to be really nice this weekend."  They cursed us all.  Pigfuckers.

Sunday we go to Milwaukee.  Yay!  We had a lot of fun there last year.  The Cowboys are all taking a bus up together.  I think we're supposed to watch Steel Magnolias on the way up.  That's not gay or anything.

My phone has almost completely stopped working.  It's making me CRA-ZY.  I can't put it off any longer.  I HAVE to buy a phone.

I met a guy for dinner last night.  Alex and I had a lot of fun - we went to Hamburger Mary's (which I'm beginning to like less - they're starting to hire obnoxious staff) and chatted about all kinds of stuff.  He also bought me dinner, which was really sweet.  He's a year younger than me and we have pretty different backgrounds, I think.  He had to leave to go pick a friend of his up at Midway BY TAKING THE EL.  Oy.  So I said "Well, I'm having fun hanging out and talking.  We could always take my Jeep on a short road trip to get her."  So that's how I met Dawn.  After we dropped her stuff off at Alex's place, we came back to my apt and I made us vanilla raspberry martinis.  They turned out better than they sound, but reminded me that I have to buy booze soon.  I'm running out of ways to get creative with what I have left...

All in all, a fun evening.  They planned on going out and I originally said I would, too, but since it was already 12:30 and I have to perform all weekend, I took a raincheck.  I think I made the right choice, because I feel reasonably well rested.  Plus, they've been friends forever and it let THEM catch up.  I also think Alex and I will hang out again.

The Cowboys had such a fabulous rehearsal last Sunday that it snapped me out of my mood I was in last weekend.  I wound up getting kinda drunk and Tom (who was also drunk) and I got all giggly at one end of the table.  I really like him - I'm glad that we've become friends and he works SO HARD on the dance stuff.  I think he has a lot of unrealized talent.  Then we had another horrific rehearsal this past Thursday.  Sometimes there's just nothing I can do except wait til the next rehearsal.

In other news, I wonder if my parents are ever going to come to Chicago.  I highly doubt it, but I keep wondering.  Although, a few weeks ago, l.o.i.s. actually said something on the phone about moving to a smaller place.  Their house is too big and too much work.  Wonders never cease.
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Current Location: mi casa
Current Mood: good
Current Music: rocking to the rhythm of the rain
 
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dancingdragon74
04 June 2009 @ 07:47 am
Where did all of this gas come from?  
Seriously, people...  I've been nothing but bloated for the last few days and I have NO IDEA WHY.  But at least, after having accidentally lost some weight, my pants fit again.

I've been a tad moody the past few days.  Moreso than usual.  I feel like I'm short on patience.  On Sunday, we went over the swing section for Cowboy Love Story.  For part of it, we were trying to get two people caught up and learning a section that has only six.  Ray and Tim would not stop screwing around (ie, poking each other in the butts with their boots), which normally is funny, but I was kinda relying on their help.  At one point, I meant to say "Can you guys chill for a few minutes?  I really need your help with this," but what came out was "Stop it!"  And then last night, things degenerated toward the end of rehearsal and I got tired of people either talking over me or ignoring instructions I was giving, so I finally said "Guys, can I have your attention? I'm trying to fix things that look like shit on the video!"  That worked til the end of rehearsal.

I'm all for having fun during rehearsal, but goofing off while trying to get people caught up really bothers me because it takes away from their learning time, which is REALLY limited anyway.  I have to say that Clinique and Michael (the two replacements) are doing an AMAZING job and learning faster than I would have thought possible.

1. I've sort of started dating again.  Not entirely sure how I feel about it, although I've had a lot of fun hanging out with some new guys.  I'm just a bit out of practice and I can't remember how to "speak single" - although thinking back, I was always much better with Spanish.

2. I've also started seeing Tim in my dreams again.  I'm not upset about it, just slightly annoyed and curious as to why.  It's probably because we spend a lot of time together with the Cowboys.  Who knows?  Things seem relatively normal in the dreams - I'm usually just interacting with him somehow.  Maybe that's just a reflection of our lives right now.

3. I think I'm back in my health routine - I took yesterday off, gym-wise, but had gone six days in a row before that.  Also, changing the way I do certain things AND getting a massage from actually-gay-Andy has done wonders for my shoulder.  I've been virtually pain-free of late.  Of course, I've been feeling the urge to get back to some classicism in dance, but there's not much I can do about that right now.  I really wish there was a Limon class I could take. 

4. Financially, things are getting back on track.  I've paid off my big loan (only the smaller one to go) and the balance on my old credit card, which I cancelled a year ago.  All I have left is my small loan (with a much more manageable payment) and my current credit card.  Also in the world of money, I had my job threatened last week.  Since the nimrods I work with can't be bothered to work at a pace faster than a dead snail, things aren't getting turned around fast enough.  The ultimate action is to eliminate the editorial department altogether.  I seriously resent this, because I have the lowest turnaround time and the most manuscript pages done.  They also had to institute a 5-day limit on manuscripts.  Sorry, but if you're taking 5 days to finish any manuscript, then you have a SERIOUS problem.  Nobody's that slow.  Clam punches all around.

In other news, l.o.i.s. turns 70 at the end of this month.  I'll be celebrating her birthday by shaking my booty in front of half a million people at Pride.  OK, I think I'm done now.
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Current Location: home
Current Mood: mehr
Current Music: me
 
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dancingdragon74
26 May 2009 @ 12:33 pm
FUCK YOU, CALIFORNIA  
That pretty much sums it up.  Thank you all of you open-minded citizens for deciding what's best for MY marriage.  THIS is the decreased government interference in peoples' lives that the conservatives are concerned about?

I really REALLY want to vote on everyone else's marriage now.  If not, they should ALL be outlawed.  That'll protect marriage.  The kind of marriage that people like Brittney Spears and Mel Gibson hold dear.  How many marriages has Newt Gingrich had?  Didn't John Fucking McCain leave his wife on her cancer bed? 

This is the last chance for the straight white christian male (and by default, the women that are pounded into submission with them) to feel superior to homos.  Wait, that's not fair.  All straight christians, male or female - I'm still unsure as to how this falls under "love thy neighbor" and "do unto others" if they're such role-model christians.  I just want to know how we can eliminate the tax-exempt status of the Mormon church for stirring up this Prop 8 bullshit in the first place.

Then, I want to start bringing lawsuits against christian groups devoted to passing anti-gay legislation.  We can try them for crimes against humanity since they've deemed it more important to argue who gets a marriage license than it is to feed starving children.  $40 million feeds a lot of kids, Mormons - that's how much you spent on Prop 8.  Think about it.  Every time a child dies of malnutrition or disease, that death is on YOUR head.  But I'm sure the fact that gays and lesbians can't get married helps you sleep at night.
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Current Location: werk
Current Mood: angry
Current Music: blood pounding in my ears
 
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dancingdragon74
24 May 2009 @ 11:10 am
It Must be Bad if It Feels This Good  
Hello, friends and fans!  All 10 of you, I believe...  I've had more fun recently than I can remember for a LONGASS time.

I have really REALLY enjoyed hanging out with my buddy Shadi - he's my new dance partner for the Cowboys.  Boy sure as shit knows how to get into trouble, so the best part is watching the train wreck unfold.  Actually, the best part is getting sucked into it.  We have a similar "nutjob quotient" so neither of us winds up saying or doing anything to disturb the other.  Added bonus:  a bunch of the guys think we're sleeping with each other.  Ew.  She's my seester.

1.  The BLAST show rocked my socks.  They filmed the BEST show.  Links to follow.  Lynne came to town to see it and reported that she'd never seen me do something so cerebral (and that yes, that was a compliment).  The Pussy Posse and a few others came to see it and were pretty wowed.  They'd never seen me dance "real stuff" before, so I was kinda nervous.  Also, because choreographing always bares your soul just a little.  I shouldn't have worried.  They were very impressed.

2. The Russian dance was the surprise hit of the show.  The biggest surprise for me is that I bonded a little with Anya's 4-year-old nephew Andrei.  What a cute kid.  Very well-mannered and took to "Uncle Steven" in a heartbeat.  Anya's whole family adopted me all at once.  Her brother and sister-in-law were awesome to me and last Wed I hung out with her and her parents after watching her play piano.  Now I know how my friends feel when they come to my parents' place and get adopted.  I feel very Yermakovish right about now...  :-)

3. Last night I met Shadi for a fabulous Mexican dinner, and then saw "Haram Iran," about two Iranian teenagers who are sentenced to death by hanging for being gay.  Oy.  We went to Cattle Call (new gay C/W place) afterward and had a BLAST.  It's a fun place, but the DJ there kinda sucks.  Hopefully he'll improve with time, because I really liked it otherwise AND it's walking distance.  And Rafik at the door was the hottest thing EVER.  *sigh*
3a. I didn't get home til well after 3:30 last night and it was absolutely worth it.

4. I'm getting back to my fitness routine since I'm not dancing so much.  I rode my bike on the trail Thursday and Saturday (I almost froze to death yesterday - I know I live in Chicago, but it's almost fucking June) and am flirting with the idea of the gym today before going to a free concert in Millenium Park.

Is life really this good?  Seriously?  I feel like the only thing missing is going to see Star Trek.  Soon, my pretties, soon!  I am having so much fun doing all these things I want to do.  I don't feel "tied to the TV" like I used to - between going out to play with my friends and wandering aimlessly (which is WAY underrated), I feel like the only thing wrong with my life is that I've run out of toilet paper.  I think I can handle that.  Target, here I come!
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Current Location: mi casa
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: your mom
 
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dancingdragon74
16 May 2009 @ 11:19 am
Life is Good  
I have to leave in a hot minute so I can get ready and then go pick up Lynne at the airport.  My sister is coming to visit!  This makes me very happy.  She's making a special trip to come see this show.  YAY!

I've literally danced my ass off the last month and a half.  One of my friends came to see the show last night and actually said something about it.  As did my chiropractor the other day.  But I feel pretty good physically (minus a bunch of aches and pains from the Russian piece) so I guess it's ok.  And by ok I mean healthy.

The show was fucking fabulous last night.  That's all I have to say.

I gotta scrub myself clean and the get my poussoire to the airport to collect my sister.  Oy.

I have to say that I'm pretty darn happy right now.  I've snapped out of my funk (at least a month or so ago) and dancing is going really well.  Also, work is...  well, work.  It's going well.  I'm keeping my head down and churning out manuscripts.  That's all that matters.  But life is good.  My apartment is really looking the way I want it to and my finances are stabilizing (confortably) for the first time in years.  Gee, I really hope I don't go and fuck anything up...  :-)
 
 
Current Location: mi casa
Current Music: i have gas
 
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dancingdragon74
10 May 2009 @ 03:21 am
On Romance  
I'm a hopeless romantic.  Always have been, and likely always will be.  I spent two years in a romance-free relationship and somehow convinced myself that was ok.  Granted, I got other things out of it, but I've promised myself I won't fall into that again.

That doesn't mean I live in an idealized fairy tale (contrary to popular opinion), nor does it mean I think everything has to be dreamy and perfect.  But acknowledging the specialness of an emotional connection and taking it to another level...  that's something I won't do without.

So if I want to express my feelings for someone, I'd like to be able to do so without disdain.  I'd like to be able to acknowledge that what we have is special, and have some consensus on that.  I'd like to be able to talk about what each other is thinking, without it being a huge deal or just automatically accepting that the status quo is ok - that may be true (about the status), but it's still nice to hear it (that there is happiness).

If I am dating a guy, I want to buy him a flower without having to explain why.  Not why as in what I did to have to atone for, but to be expected to answer the question "Why did you do this?" and look at me and the flower with disapproval.  It's a sign of affection.  If I make him a CD, I'd love to know that he actually listened to it before dumping it in the recycling bin.  Not that it has to be the only CD in the car, I just want to know that he gave it a listen and (hopefully) enjoyed it.  And if I prepare a meal for both of us to enjoy, I want to be able to do more than just eat and run.  There's a lost art to enjoying a meal - I used to be more in touch with it, but things seem to have shifted.  I need to shift back.

Of course, the best thing would be for those things to be a two-way street.  To have one of those things happen once in a while tells you you're special, makes you feel like you're king of the world.

I realize that any non-romantics reading this have probably thrown up all over their keyboards right now.  That's their right.  Just as it is my right to want (and maybe even expect) certain things from life.

It sounds cliche, but it's actually true for me that the romantic is always better than the material - I really would rather walk on the beach with you than spend a night drinking in a loud place.  I really would rather go sit at a tiny table at our favorite dive than spend a substantial fraction of my paycheck (or yours) on a meal.  And I really would rather spend all night talking and sipping on a cider on the back porch than spend several hours in front of the TV (even if Battlestar Galactica is on).

I know.  I'm retarded.  And I'm a bit of a dreamer.  But I'm a lot happier this way than most people I know who are trying to buy their way to happiness.
 
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dancingdragon74
10 May 2009 @ 02:49 am
(no subject)  
1. I am a domestic god.  I had to take a sick day *cough* on Friday because I was completely burned out on EVERYTHING.  So I spent the entire day cooking and cleaning.  Is it odd that those things made me happy, cleared my head?  Most of it was prep for my little mini-party for the waltz and foxtrot casts.  But for some reason, my OCD is both enabled and satisfied by all this domesticity.  I'm gonna make someone a great husband some day:  I relieve stress by cleaning and I show my love by cooking.  As my sister would say, I have a SERIOUS problem.

2. The Oval Portrait went reasonably well on Friday and should be KICK ASS tomorrow.  Anya came to see me, which was uber-fabulous.  In her words, she was completely freaked out by how serious I was in this piece and also that I danced very sensually with a woman.  Tim and a few other cowboys are coming tomorrow.  They've never seen me DANCE before - I'm an eensy bit apprehensive, but mostly excited.

3. Back to the Cowboys tomorrow.  I've only missed one rehearsal, but it feels like forever since I've been.  We're rehearsing outside, which I fear is going to wreak havok with my achies...

4. After dancing on extremely inappropriate surfaces for a month of rehearsals (which is not a metaphor, I really have had rehearsal for something nearly every night of the last month), I'm actually feeling my age for the first time.  My joints are all wonky - my elbow, my lower back, and a few other places have HAD IT. 

5. Went to BLAST all-cast rehearsal on Thursday.  I automatically revert to Australian Sheepdog mode in large groups.  Everyone was being loud and annoying while trying to organize something, so with my amazing Jewish lungs, I announced "Hey guys, if we spend all night talking about it, we're gonna be here all night!"  Which worked fairly well, I might add.  I also wanted to punch the producer right in the clam.  Aside from not having a clue how to produce a show, her interpersonal skills are lacking as well.

6. At the show Friday night, there was a small bunch of little black things that were a little too big to be peppercorns on the makeup counter in the green room.  I looked over and of course said the obvious:  "Do they have a rat problem here?"  Apparently, it wasn't THAT obvious, since everyone else had been thinking "raisins."

So my party that I mentioned above was a fucking blast.  Almost everyone from waltz and foxtrot casts (which are nearly identical anyway) showed up to eat the metric asstonne of food I made.  My fruity vodka punch (please hold all relevant jokes and applause until the end) was a big hit - I made it with pineapple, mango, and guava juices.  So was my guacamole  I despise avocados, mainly because their on the uber-fatty and creamy side of things.  So I made it, having seen other people make it, and basically knew what went in it.  They licked the bowl clean.  I also made cornbread (Trader Joe's mix) and brownies (that had BETTER be chocolate), and grilled burgers and dogs.  With my new grill that I started assembling - Andy finished it while I cut up the fruit salad.  When he was done, he mentioned there was a "slight misalignment" - I thought he meant the grill didn't sit level, but in actuality, the handle wound up on the wrong side.  Which isn't catastrophic, but it's not in a convenient place to scootch the grill around on its two wheels.  Everyone had a good time and really enjoyed the food (which does my half-Southern heart good) - I kept hearing Vova say something to the effect of "This is all quality" - it was probably a direct translation of the way they say things in Russian, but I got the gist.  I was totally flattered.

Also, I have paid off one of my loans.  Glory be!  Also also, I've been so overly active lately, I've lost weight.  My pants don't fit and now all of my belts are too big.  Bethe, I'll let you know if my pants fall down while walking on a busy street.

It's late and I have a show tomorrow, so I'm off to bed.  I've been sleeping extraordinarily well lately - I almost don't know what to do about it.  I've also been pleasantly distracted in the most delightful way.  Film at 11.
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Current Location: mi casa
Current Mood: happy, but ready for bed
Current Music: battlestar galactica
 
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dancingdragon74
03 May 2009 @ 11:38 am
You Have Five Minutes to Reach Minimum Safe Distance...  

I am so freakin busy, that's just how I feel - I only have five-minute windows to get my national shit together.  No complaints, really, because I don't actually feel "rushed" - just that I have a lot on my plate.  Last week, I was wondering if I'd bitten off more than I could chew, but I feel a lot better.  My mom as usual is right:  Everything looks better after a good night's sleep.

1. The Oval Portrait, the modern dance/theater piece I'm working on for City Lit Theater, feels pretty solid.  I'm mostly sure I know my lines, but the dance stuff is there.  Show is NEXT WEEKEND.  Oy.

2. I have to review Cowboy Love Story and give Alan some notes on who's replacing who because I can't go to rehearsal today.  I'm going to Masha and Jason's wedding!  I got invited to the bachelorette party at the Baton, which was actually a lot of fun, in spite of the little mini-drama that happened briefly with Brizezilla Masha.  Yesterday was the rehearsal dinner, which was a barbecue, where I met some friends of theirs who now live in Minneapolis - this married couple that I totally clicked with right away.  They are hilarious people and a fabulous couple and I look forward to spending time with them and everyone else (esp Masha's mom) today at the wedding.

3. BLAST is ready to go.  We have all-cast rehearsals this week and tech week next week.  We are more than ready for two weekends from now.  Most of the Cowboys are going, which makes me happy.  None of them have seen me "dance" before.  I mean, we've been doing the two-step thing and other stuff, and they've seen me goof around at Charlie's, but this is the kind of stuff I spent half my life training for.  So I'm a little nervous but very excited for my friends to see this.

4. Last night I hung out with Shadi, my dance partner in the Cowboys.  Only one person asked if we were on a date.  We went and saw Wolverine (which, while fun, was only a so-so movie) and then over to Charlie's.  Not a lot of people there, but we had a really good time.  He and I danced together a lot and I got to do all my favorite line dances.

5. I spent a lot of yesterday doing laundry and going through piles of crap in my apartment.  Most of it I threw out.  I have one itty bitty little pile left on my "coffee table" (which is really just my trunk from college) which keeps mocking me.  You're next, bitch - just as soon as I finish...  Feels pretty good to have taken care of all this stuff that was just sitting here...

I started feeling better a few weeks ago.  Andy actually pointed it out on the phone the other night.  He told me it was like a switch went off and I was back to my old self.  Marijo at work said the same thing.  I had a mini-revelation and after I did (of course, I already knew it but it took l.o.i.s. pointing it out to bring it to my conscious mind) I started feeling better about the whole Tim thing.  She said that she really liked him and he was a nice guy, and that she didn't know how things were going to work out between us but more than anything, we just seemed like really good friends.  And that brought it all home.  Tim and I were never anything more than really good friends.  I don't know if that means we never should have dated - we had a really good time together.  A lot of fun, a lot of laughs, and we trusted each other and relied on each other, but not the way that lovers do.  And that's OK - we got a lot from each other that we both needed.  For me, it was a completely different relationship than anything I'd ever had, which is probably why I didn't recognize this earlier.

It's ok, I think.  Things will re-balance and return to normal.  And after mid-May, when I get these other projects finished, I can really put all of my efforts into the Cowboys and into my friendships that I've been neglecting for lack of time.

I feel really good about things in general.  I really think it's the dancing that's helped.  I've gotten back to the stuff that makes me really happy and I hope I never leave it again.  Hopefully, I'll even be able to come up with a theme song for the Cowboys, like I keep thinking I will...  Another time.  Right now, I have to go out and enjoy some of this beautiful day before heading to the wedding.
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Current Location: mi casa
Current Mood: pretty fuckin good
Current Music: nada
 
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dancingdragon74
28 April 2009 @ 09:23 am
Busy as a Beaver  

I really just wanted to use the word "beaver" because it's funny.  I can't really believe everything that's happening right now.  I barely have time to tie my shoes (which goes far to explain why I'm wearing loafers today) but I am happy happy happy!

1.  I saw the Laramie Project out in Batavia, IL.  It's so far west I almost took my passport.  I was ready to kill myself after the show, but was also motivated and energized, as well.  The whole Matthew Shepard thing hit me really hard when it happened.  I was depressed for WEEKS.  And while it brought some of that back, it got me all good and fired up again.  Lucky you.

2.  The BLAST peices are all coming together.  I kind of want to kill one of the foxtrot embryos because she's only made it to one rehearsal.  I just hope that when she wanders around looking all lost on stage, she doesn't run into anyone else.  The waltz looks fabulous from what I can tell.  We've cleaned up the last bit of confusion on stage.  But I did hurt myself picking up Daniel.  I should be fine - just a bit stiff in the neck and shoulder - and I have costumes for everyone.  YAY!

3.  My friend Michael officially has the greenest home in the country.  Go here to read all about it.  I'm immensely proud of him!  I took a tour of the house a week ago and it's really amazing all the stuff he put together.

4.  I yelled at the Cowboys a LOT on Sunday, but they kinda had it coming.  I'm all for having a good, relaxed rehearsal, but now's not the time.  Alan and I did everything short of ripping everyone a new one for not practicing on their own outside of rehearsal.  I told them flat-out that some of the stuff they were doing they should already know AND that the way they were doing certain things just plain looked BAD.  I have a feeling some of them felt like they were being picked on, but it's better to do that now than look like a jackass in the Pride parade.  This is supposed to be a lot of fun, but it's also a lot of work and if they don't put the effort into it, we're gonna suck donkey balls.

There are probably other things to list, but I'm just not in the mood.  Not in a bad way.  I'm very happy, if very tired.  I was talking to my Mom last week (two weeks ago? whenever I had that earache) and she said that I've sounded very good for the last year or so - happy even.  And that even with everything that's happened with Tim, I still sounded good and happy.  It's because I'm doing what I want to.  As much as I really want to punch a few people in the clam on a regular basis (esp at work), I love my actual job.  And I'm working on three dances for BLAST, one theater/modern dance project, we've finished this year's parade routine and re-worked last year's for a stage show, we're about to start working again on Cowboy Love Story, and will be choreographing a new routine for Stompede using Erasure's "On the Road to Nashville" album.  So I am a busy boy.

Also, I told my sister that my department head wants to send me on the next manager's retreat.  I don't think it means anything, but she's convinced they're "grooming me for promotion."  There's no place to promote me, really.  Anyone have any thoughts?
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Current Location: werk
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dancingdragon74
15 April 2009 @ 12:33 pm
Jammed Clams and Achey Ears  
1.  HP called me today, yelled "PUSSY!" and then hung up.

2.  I'm pretty sure I have an earache.  And I'm completely astounded by the number of people who think that they are CONTAGIOUS.  Fucking.  Idiots.  I've manged to NOT say "Yup - they're almost as contagious as a broken arm or epilepsy."

3.  My suspicions have been confirmed - we were told in the staff meeting today that we're falling behind.  I've seen the sign-out sheet that tracks who's done how many manuscripts and I can't say this wasn't coming.  And the people who have slipped up aren't really a surprise, either. 
3a.  I'm considering putting a little more effort into work to see if I can turn manuscripts around even FASTER.  That should make the people who've fallen behind even worse.

4.  Irma and I had dinner last night at the Indian Garden.  Fucking FABULOUS.  Although by the end of the meal I was feeling really horrible.  I took the hottest bath I could possibly stand and then par-boiled myself in the shower for nearly half an hour.  I could NOT get warm.  I felt all achey and icky so I took some tylenol and went to bed.  I feel better than I did, but I'm still walking around a little dazed.

5.  The phrase "jam out with your clam out" is still sending me into fits of giggles.

In other news, l.o.i.s. gave me her critique of the WCC.  Mostly positive - she was really impressed with the fact that EVERYONE got to participate and that they all seemed to be having so much fun.  She also said we need to emphasize our story a little more, which is true.  If those guys thought I yelled a lot the last time, just wait til we get started for this year!
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Current Location: werk
Current Mood: my ears hurt
Current Music: not on your life
 
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dancingdragon74
14 April 2009 @ 01:43 pm
Quite Possibly the Best Title of Anything, Ever  

Just for you, Bethe - it'll make you feel better today. 

http://craftastrophe.net/2009/04/jam-clam/
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dancingdragon74
13 April 2009 @ 04:08 pm
High as a Kite  
1. That's a really apt simile right about now.  I have spent nearly the entire day not quite sure where the ground is.  Much like a kite.  My head (for reasons unbeknownst to me) has about a quart of extra fluid in it and after spending the last 6 hours or so with disorientation due to tinnitus and approximately 40% of my normal depth-perception capabilities, I went and found myself a decongestant.  This should be REAL fun when it kicks in, because I've eaten nearly nothing today.  No appetite.  I couldn't even MAKE myself eat.  I know this sounds like the flu, but I don't have any other symptoms.

2. The fuckwads at work who thought they were being clever dumped all of the journals circulating around the office in my inbox.  If they possessed to functioning brain cells to rub together, they would have thought to not give me the ones I'd already checked off as reading.  So they wound up being petty and vindictive instead of funny.  But as we all know, humor requires intelligence.
2a. It's really amazing that it took me only one day to catch up after a week and a half off.

3. I found out that a serious thorn in my side has been pruned and I no longer have to deal with a particularly virulent blend of attitude once a week.  This made me happy, because while I could ignore it for the most part, it was bugging me because it was starting to bring other people down.  Of course, the martini I'd consumed didn't hurt, either.

4. I can't wait to find out what'll happen at rehearsal tonight with this depth perception thing gone awry.  Plus, one of my dancers has a pulled muscle.  The funny thing is, with all the crazy shit I've gotten him to do so far, it took playing basketball to hurt himself.

5. The Pussy Posse had a dinner party last night.  Tim and I were both there, and it was fine, for the most part.  I left early because I was dragging ass a bit.  Plus, I wanted to take home my shiny new laptop (named "Starbuck" - no shit) and give it a test drive.  Anyway, it's weird.  Dealing with him in person is pretty easy.  It's the ruminating afterwards that does me in.

In other news, I think the decongestant is kicking in.  That seems fast, but in light of the fact that I've eaten so little today, I'm probably right on schedule.
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Current Location: werk
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dancingdragon74
10 April 2009 @ 11:51 am
Vacay Update...  

1.  This has been a pretty awesome holiday.  I think I've been able to spend a lot of time by myself and let some of the nasties out of my system.  I got to see my family, but I feel bad because I didn't see too many of my friends.  I'll be back, I suppose, I just didn't want to foist myself on anyone, esp not knowing what my mood would be like.
1a.  I did, however, go with Bethe and Radha to Jimmie Cone in exciting downtown Damascus, MD for soft-serve ice cream.  I had a steak ice cream as big as my head.  I proceeded to drive them back to DC, wherein a discussion of pornographic movie titles commenced.  I almost drove off the road when Bethe informed of us "How Stella Got Her Groove Packed."  Radha then informed us that a woman actually hit her with her purse because she yelled out a Thai friend's name, whom she saw across the street:  "Ta Wat!"
1b.  I also got to see one of my favorite people from college - Nancy.  I know she's one of my closest friends because it was like time hadn't even passed when we met up after my dance class on Wed.

2.  I have had fabulous food, all home-cooked.  I have had my mom's famous ribs (made once by my sister and once by my mom), and brisket.  There was also roast chicken and stuffing AND ICKY BREAD - that fabulous disgusting mess where all the butter and grease and fat rolls off the chicken to soak the bread in the bottom of the pan.  It's enough to send you into triglyceride hell.

3.  I got to see my sister's in-laws - her husbands fabulous sister and husband.  I can't believe it's been over two years since seeing them.  Long enough to forget how incredibly pretty Kendra is.  Anyway, the two of them were a BLAST.  She gave me a few words of advice AND was very happy that I'm wearing "Fierce" again.  It's the little things, isn't it?  Also, my brother-in-law and I had an AMAZING game of ping-pong wherein we followed no rules.  Except to keep the damn thing going.  Extra points for using the ceiling.  Also, Lynne and I went shopping and I finally found a pair of NICE black dress pants that fit well.  ON SALE.  I am caliente.

4.  I helped my parents some out at the house while I was there.  Plus, my dad and I fixed the fertilizer spreader.  Twice.  You may bask in the butchness that is I.

5.  It's been nice to be in my hometownish area, but I miss home.  Chicago is my home now, even tho my family doesn't live there.  Greg and Jon and I are planning another movie night.  "Corky Romano" is on the agenda.  I can't wait.

It'll be good to come home.  Hopefully my somewhat improved outlook will remain.  I think it will.  Getting back into my non-lazy everyday work and workout routine will probably do me wonders.  Plus, it'll be nice to just be HOME.  In my own place.  Which means I'm gonna go home and dance around to "It's Gettin Better" by Mama Cass...
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Current Location: la casa de my hermana
Current Mood: getting better
Current Music: mi hermana
 
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dancingdragon74
03 April 2009 @ 07:44 pm
Baltimore - it rhymes with whore  

So here I am in the Border State.  This is part of my recovery plan.  I think that the combination of getting out of Chicago for a few days and hanging out with my family will help.  Although I had another fucking dream about Tim last night.  I'm really over this.  It wasn't overly upsetting or anything, I'm just over it.  I'm very tired.  I slept about 8 hours Wed night, passed out on the plane to MD and then slept at least 8 hours last night.  And It's all I can do to stay awake at 8 pm.

Currently, I'm at Lynne and Keith's place.  My friend Scott is over and we're watching Bugs Bunny cartoons while eating pizza.  I haven't had pizza in about 2 months.  And I think it'll be about 2 more before I do again. 

I really want to get good and mad.  Or upset or something.  It's just not happening.  I feel better than I did, but in some ways, I feel like I'm slipping a little.  I'm having a little trouble focusing my thoughts - more than usual, I suppose.

I'm going to take a few classes with my old teacher, Helen.  I have a feeling I'm going to seriously get my ass kicked since I haven't danced like that in a little while.  But it'll totally be worth it.  Also, there has been brisket, and there WILL be roasted chicken with icky bread.  There also better be a few trips to the gym in there or I'm going to have to buy another ticket for the way home.  Fat. Ass.

So, if you're one of my 10 regular readers, fear not...  My journal will be back to its old obnoxious self soon.  Reflecting on the things I see fit in the most inappropriate manner possible.  Speaking of which.  Iowa.  Gay marriage.  Holy shit.  It's only a matter of time before it goes national.  I may actually start feeling better about this.  Epsecially when people are forced to admit that voting on someone else's civil rights is just downright mean.

Now we're watching the Mummy.  Arnold Visloo is one of the hottest men EVER.  Things are looking up.

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Current Location: baltimore - yikes
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: the mummy
 
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dancingdragon74
31 March 2009 @ 10:03 am
Catharsis through Peristalsis  
As gross as it may seem, that was the case.  Last Thursday, I blew my stack a little bit (it was coming) at lunch, took an amazing dump (oh, come on, we all know how much better it makes us feel), and then had a nap, where I slept the deepest and hardest I have in about a month.  I woke up feeling refreshed for the first time since everything happened.

I spent a lot of time hiding out this weekend.  Kind of during the week, too.  But after the three weeks I had, it was nice to just chill out and not do anything.  I've been hanging out a lot with Irma, which is nice.  We've become pretty close over the last year and I can honestly say he's turned into one of my best friends.  We had dinner Saturday night at the little Thai place (prace) around the corner from me, which turned out to be pretty good.  It's called Ben's Noodles.  I think the guy serving us was Ben.  It made us feel special.

We had a little sit-down before rehearsal on Sunday.  Some things had happened that needed addressing and I think it was done just right.  Afterward, it felt like everything was back to normal with the group.  We also decided it would be a great idea to have a company class an hour before rehearsal on Sunday so the guys can learn some real dance technique and get some strength and flexibility.  We just have to figure out how to do this thru Joel Hall.

I'm home sick today.  I feel icky.  Plus, I barely made it home from rehearsal in time last night.  Apparently, I've eaten something I shouldn't have recently - hopefully it'll be out of my system today.  I don't want to get sicker and then have to get on a plane on Thursday.  That would really frost my cookies.
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Current Location: home, stupid
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: none at the moment
 
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dancingdragon74
23 March 2009 @ 02:48 pm
Is the day really dragging or am I still in my stupid funk?  
I think I finally hit my saturation point for alcohol.  I got blissfully shitfaced on Saturday, mainly because I premedicated and then lost track of how much I drank after I got to Charlie's.  At one point in the evening, I distinctly remember thinking "Allrightythen.  I think that's good."  Meaning I've had enough of the drinking to excess. 

Battlestar Finale was last Friday.  The end of an era.  It was so fucking amazing.  They tied up all the important loose ends and still managed to leave a few things unanswered.  The whole battle to get Hera from the Cylon colony rocked my world.  Best epic battle scene ever.  It was on par with the siege of Minas Tirith in Lord of the Rings - oliphants and all.

Four hours of dancing yesterday makes Steven one tired puppy today.  Arf.  I am THIS CLOSE to stapling my upper eyelids to my hairline just to keep my eyes open.

I'm feeling better than I did.  I think I'm out of my funk, but it's hard to tell.  Not like I expect to be able to just pick up and act like the last two years didn't happen.  But I have certainly discovered how many good friends I have in this fabulous city.  What's nice is that everyone is kinda keeping an eye on me and I haven't found out directly - keep your distance, Chewie, but don't LOOK like you're keeping your distance.  I went out to Iowa the burbs to hang out with Ray and David for the BSG finale.  They were very sweet to put up with my grumpy-ass self (Lynne said I've been grumpy lately) and even tried to talk me into staying there that night.  It was better that I went home.  I got about 10 hrs of sleep, which I really needed and even made it to the gym.  Of course right before I left for the gym, my buzzer goes off and some woman was there "to extend an invitation to celebrate the death of Jesus."  I told her I was half-Jewish and therefore one of the ones who killed him.

And then I went to the gym. 

I accidentally spent the afternoon with Greg and found a fabulous pair of $14 jeans.  The ones I was wearing had a gaping chasm hole in the crotch.  Which was fine until Karen and Vanessa pulled up outside of the Starbucks that Greg and I were at and I ran outside, apparently flashing everyone.  Then, Karen opened the door and I hugged her and leaped across her to hug Vanessa and thanks to the hole in my pants, Karen and I totally got to second base.

Everyone's been so nice to me and willing to spend time with me so I don't have to obsessively think about everything that's happened.  Because if I do, I might just simmer and get mad.  I haven't spent too much time talking about it, and the people that I have talked to about it have listened with completely sympathetic and nonjudgemental ears.

I don't know when for sure I'll be able to put it all past me.  It was two years.  That's a lot of time to spend as what you thought was an integral part of their life.  But at least I can feel the apathy slowly slipping away.

I'm really looking forward to napping on the train on my way home.  This is kinda sick.  I normally love naps anyway, but I've been obsessing over this ever since lunch.  Maybe I'll catch up on the rest of my sleep tonight.
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Current Location: werk
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dancingdragon74
17 March 2009 @ 01:32 am
Dazed, Confused, but Mostly Apathetic  

So I just looked at my entry from this afternoon and I have the distinct feeling that I wanted to write more, but didn't want to miss the fucking bus, either.

I don't know where all this drinking is coming from.  It's not seeming to have much effect on me, except to make me a little tired.  I don't think I'm using it to mask anything, because when I'm not drinking, I don't feel anything.  Nada.  I'm not upset or distraught.  I'm also not laughing at very much.  Ray actually yelled at me during Cowboys rehearsal because I wasn't smiling.  Isn't that a switch.  And I don't feel all woe-is-me-I'm-so-empty-inside or anything.  I really don't feel anything.  I keep saying that.  And I keep saying I feel apathy and numbness.  But I don't know what else to say.

I don't want to go back.  I don't even want to go on to "what's next."  As l.o.i.s. said the other day "You never know what's around the corner."  I know what's around the fucking corner.  A dog.  This is my year of escaping debt.  I'll get everything paid off and then I would love to buy a place.  With enough room for a dog and a cat.  They need to keep each other company while I'm at work.

Another tangent.  I still can't remember what I wanted to write earlier today.  Not sure if I remember or know what I wanted to write at this moment.  As I mentioned before, Lynne said "this time it's different" - very different person, very different situation...  very different ending.  He used to be a fan of my blog (he used to be a fan of a lot of things).  Is he still reading it?  Do I care?  I don't know, but I think it's part of the reason why I haven't gone all Sally Jessie Raphael.  Plus, that's rude.  I don't want to dump shit on my readers like that.  It's bad enough to have to read everything else.  But I'd like to thank all 10 of you for doing so.  My nature belies a private person.  I don't always like to "share" the heavy stuff.  Which is why everyone was so surprised it happened at all.

I don't know what to do right now.  That's not right.  I don't know what to feel?  I don't know WHAT I'm supposed to feel.  All this drinking and dreaming could be considered repression, but I'm not making a conscious effort to NOT think about what happened.  Again, Lynne said every time is different.  I've never had this reaction to a break up, so I don't really know what to do.  I want to get mad or upset or something.  Am I supposed to yell, scream, cry?  How did I let myself get to this spot?  I'm not stupid.  I thought.  I could seriously have been mistaken about that.

The one thing that I've truly loved doing is working on my waltz.  It's the highlight of my week.  My dancers are fabulous and fun and dedicated.  They'll try anything.  They're really enjoying the work.  It's a real pleasure to choreograph for people who just try whatever you ask without a billion quesions.  And they are having a great time.  Which is a great reward for me.  It makes me so happy to see their faces light up when I show them something new or they figure out one of the 70 lifts I managed to put in the piece.  And then we leave and I slowly come back down off of it.

I don't feel this way about the Cowboys.  Mainly because this is Alan's piece.  I only helped a little - believe me, I'm very proud of whatever I can do, but the parade routine is really his show.  I actually enjoy doing the routine, but...  it feels like it's just happening to take my mind off of him being there.  Which isn't really that bad.  We waltzed together on Saturday, and that wasn't as weird as it should have been.  And I hate to admit it, but I did get a little bit of a boost by yelling at the guys on Sunday because they wouldn't calm down.  

So is this going to change?  I can't keep drinking like this.  And sleeping weird.  At least I'm eating relatively well and going to the gym.  At least.  I wonder if that'll show any changes.  I can't really tell, but I kind of hope so.  I saw a picture of myself from about 10 years ago and I don't remember looking that good.  So at least I have something to aim for.  I realize I just started exercising again, but this is one of the few ways I'm impatient.  But at least my joints bother me less than they did and my back and shoulder are a lot better.

I'm going home for a week in April.  It'll be nice to see my family again.  My sister's in-laws will be there, and I'll certainly have some catching up to do in other arenas - Bethele, this means you!  And Kathryn, if you've managed to catch up on this disaster of a blog recently, there's a martini somewhere with your name on it...  Maybe I can take Helen's class while I'm back.  And see Cherry Blossoms.  And just not be in Chicago for a little while.  It's my home now, but right now I really need to run away from home.
 

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Current Location: homo sweet homo
Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: Delerium
 
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